


Falling in Love is a Foolish Thing to Do

by aoishmex



Category: Dir en grey, Jrock, Nightmare (Band), SCREW (Band), Sadie (Band), the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Crossover, Explicit Language, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-09-30 22:56:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17232716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aoishmex/pseuds/aoishmex





	1. Chapter 1

Kyo slung his bag over his shoulder and bowed to the staff. “Thank you for your hard work,” he echoed back to his manager. The vocalist made his way out of the room and down the hall, trying to remember which way the exit was. This wasn’t a studio he was used to. There was something about the place that gave him an uneasy feeling, too, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. The blond nodded politely to the people passing by. One of the women mentioned the downpour drenching the entire city. Kyo frowned in slight irritation at the lack of an umbrella but the studio was in a busy enough area where he could catch a cab in no time.

‘ _Another night home alone_ ,’ the man thought bitterly. He rounded a corner and instantly ran in to another body. “Excuse me,” he apologized politely before even noticing whom he had hit.

“No harm done, sempai,” a shy voice assured. Kyo looked at the other man in curiosity. He recognized the vocalist quickly enough and noticed the two-toned hair that reminded him of  a style he had had at one point. What he didn’t expect was the shy air around the younger man.

“Ruki-san,” he bowed in greeting.

Ruki gave a look of pleasant surprise at being recognized. “Yes. It’s a pleasure to meet you,” he smiled.

“Likewise,” the elder returned.

“Are you here for a meeting?”

“Just finished,” the blond corrected. “You?”

“Same here. I didn’t expect to run in to a member of DIR EN GREY _here_ ; this isn’t your usual studio.”

The other shook his head. “By the way, what studio is this?”

“This is Mijinko Records,” Ruki replied, politely ignoring the elder’s ignorance. Realization hit Kyo hard. The uneasy feeling inside came back full-force. Mijinko Records— _his_ label. The black haired vocalist looked at him in concern. “Are you okay?” The two vocalists froze when they heard familiar voices down the hall. Both men turned the corner enough to be able to see.

The voices belonged to a man and a woman. They were discussing merchandise production for an upcoming tour. The woman was a stranger to Kyo. She had light brown hair and a small, curvy figure, dressed to match her profession. The man she was talking to was also a vocalist. “Mao…”

“Shizuru,” Ruki hissed at the same time. The two vocalists turned to each other in surprise. Ruki’s eyes widened as he looked from Kyo to Mao and back. “Oh… Shit, here they come!” he voiced, grabbed Kyo by the sleeve of his coat, and ducked into a nearby conference room. “Quick; under the table.”

Kyo followed without a word. Besides, he really didn’t want to run in to the two, either. “Do you hide from all your ex-girlfriends like this?” he teased, crouching under the refreshment table.

Ruki scoffed. “What girlfriend? As far as she was concerned, we were just friends with benefits.” He turned to Kyo. “Besides, you’re the one who needs to hide,” the younger man said gently with a silent, knowing look. Kyo could only stare at him.

Mao and Shizuru neared the conference room, talking about t-shirt designs. Kyo’s brow creased as he listened to them. “Is she flirting with him?” he asked in a whisper. Ruki nodded with a roll of his eyes. “She won’t get anywhere,” the elder muttered in a dry tone.

“No?”

“No, because he’s never felt the way he does with anyone like he does with his current boyfriend. He’s been in love since their first kiss.”

Ruki turned to him slowly. “Is that what he told you when you broke up?” he asked softly. The blond nodded. “I’m sorry…”

Kyo shrugged. “It made sense. Made the break-up easier. We didn’t love each other that way so why bother anymore?”

“Except you’re not over it yet.”

“I’m over _him_ ,” the elder said pointedly.

“Did you hear something?” Shizuru asked and the two stopped talking. The woman opened the conference room door. “Huh… I thought I heard someone,” she mused before closing the door.

“She closes the door but she leaves the lights on,” Ruki commented. No sooner had he said so than every light in the room went off with a _click_. The vocalists sat in silence. Mao said something about a power-outage on the other side of the door. “Man, that means the storm’s a lot worse than everyone thought,” the black haired man groaned.

“Do you think the coast is clear?” the elder quirked.

“Mm,” Ruki hummed and the two crawled out from under the table. He felt his way to the door, found the handle, and turned. Then he turned it again. “Shit!”

Kyo’s voice came from somewhere beside him. “What’s up?”

The younger rattled the handle. “It’s locked! We’re stuck here!” Ruki tried the handle one more time. He dug his phone out of his pocket and shined the light on the door. “It locks from the outside,” the vocalist informed the other man.

The blond sighed. “Of course it does… Do you have reception?”

“Yes. Do you?”

“No.”

“Okay… Let me try my manager,” Ruki said, already pushing the needed numbers. Kyo waited in silence and the darkness. He heard Ruki give a frustrated sigh. “He doesn’t have service.”

“I guess we just wait here until the power comes back,” Kyo voiced calmly with a shrug the other couldn’t see.

“But that could take all night!” the younger protested.

“What choice do we have?”

Ruki was silent for a moment. Then he sighed in defeat. “At least there’s food,” he mumbled. The two men slid to the floor against the wall. Ruki dialed another number. “Reita? I’m stuck at the studio because of the storm. Can you make it to my place and feed Koron? Great, thanks. Yeah, it went well enough. Manager-sama was very pleased. Okay. Thanks again,” he spoke, hanging up when the conversation ended. “Tonight took a turn for the worse.”

Kyo nodded. “Mm…”

They sat in silence. Kyo checked his phone every now-and-then for service and battery life. When Ruki spoke next he was hesitant. “Shizuru and I met about three years ago. There was a lot of chemistry between us. I hadn’t been in a relationship for a while and thought we had something that could have worked.”

The elder looked at him. “But?”

“But six months in to our relationship she said she wanted to move on in her career and that it wouldn’t happen if we got serious.”

“I thought you guys _were_ serious.”

“So did I. She’s finally doing what she wants, though, from the sounds of it.”

“Hmm…” Kyo took a deep breath. “Mao and I… were together two years. He is cheerful, energetic, outgoing, he can make friends with anyone—all the things I lack. Not to mention the fact he wasn’t afraid to meet me.”

“You mean people are actually afraid of you?” Ruki quirked. He laughed. “Wow!”

The elder gave a small chuckle of his own. His smile faded, however, and he looked at his hands. “We loved each other—we still do—just not _that_ way. So we broke up.”

“Have you ever loved someone like that?” the younger ventured.

“I’m not sure,” Kyo admitted. “Have you?”

Ruki shuffled his feet against the carpet. “Once…” He was silent for a long moment. “He didn’t love me back,” the vocalist breathed.

Kyo shifted so their knees touched in an attempt to be comforting. “I’m sorry,” he offered.

“Thanks.” A loud crack of thunder sounded from outside. “So, if you’re over Mao, why did you look like that when you saw him?” Ruki asked suddenly.

The blond raised a brow at the change in topic. “Like what?”

“You know… like you were in pain.”

The pure fact a stranger could recognize such a look on him hit Kyo with a harsh pang in his heart. He swallowed around the painful lump in his throat. “I’m lonely,” the man whispered. “I miss the company I had with Mao. I miss feeling loved—and Mao was so open I could always tell he loved me. I don’t have that anymore. Out fans love me but it’s not as easy to feel. I miss having that closeness with someone. Mao was the last person I felt that with.”

Ruki listened in polite silence. “Oh,” he said softly when Kyo was finished. The black haired man fiddled with the rings on his fingers. “Aren’t you kind of torturing yourself by staying friends with him?”

Kyo shrugged. “I’ve had worse pain.”

“That’s awful,” the younger blurted.

The blond chuckled. “Yeah…”

“So you’re not seeing anyone now?”

“No.”

“Me, neither. My bandmates all have someone, though, so it’s a major bummer sometimes,” he added.

“Oh, believe me; I understand. My bandmates are all together—have been for years. Our leader and bassist are together and so are our drummer and other guitarist. Our fans always thought Kaoru and Toshiya were lovers even before they were official. One day they realized they really were in love and have been together ever since.”

Ruki chuckled. “That’s tough. Our bassist and our drummer are together but both our guitarists are seeing people from other bands within the company. Maybe every band needs someone to be single so the band isn’t run by love-sick idiots.”

Kyo gave a real laugh at that. “Maybe.”

“You’re easy to talk to, sempai.”

“You think so?”

“Mm.”

“I think I’m talking so much because I hate the silence,” the elder mused.

“What’s wrong with silence?”

“Nothing… except I’ve had too much of it lately.”

“Well,” Ruki said decidedly and dug in his handbag, “ _I_ can fix _that_.” He placed one earpiece in Kyo’s hand. “It’s on full battery so we can avoid the silence for hours,” the younger man said with a smile in his voice.

Kyo took the earpiece with a grateful smile illuminated by Ruki’s iPod screen. “Thank you.”

The younger man nodded, handing him the device so he could choose a song. Kyo found one and they listened. Outside, the rain continued to pour over the city, thunder rolled through the sky, and darkness surrounded the two vocalists. For the first time in nearly a year Kyo felt at peace with his loneliness. He knew it wouldn’t last forever and he had friends to help him through it. And right then, even in the pitch-black darkness, he felt comfort. There was comfort in Ruki’s body heat, in the steady rhythm of his breathing. There was comfort in his words and his opinion of Kyo being easy to talk to. But mostly, Kyo found, there was comfort in Ruki just being there.

The blond looked at his phone again. His vision was growing blurry with sleep. Ten o’clock, no power, no cell phone service. A weight settled on his shoulder. The younger man shifted to be more comfortable, giving a soft sigh when he had settled. Kyo gave a soft scoff. “Ruki.” The other man hummed in reply, telling Kyo he was barely awake. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“You’re welcome,” Ruki mumbled and was silent.

 

Kyo woke to his phone ringing. He put the device to his ear, blinking against the hard light. “Hello?” he croaked.

“I’m at your apartment. Where are you?” Kaoru asked.

“Still at the other studio.”

“Still?” the elder repeated. “You’ve been there all night?”

“Because of the storm,” the vocalist explained. “Am I late?”

“Not if you make it to the photoshoot in an hour.”

“Okay. I’ll be there on time, I promise.”

“Okay,” Kaoru agreed and hung up.

Kyo groaned and rubbed at his eyes. “Ruki,” he voiced to the man sleeping against his shoulder. “Ruki, the power’s back on. It’s past nine in the morning,” the blond announced.

Ruki’s eyes snapped open and he shot up with a gasp. “Koron! Recording at ten-thirty. I have to change so the others don’t get suspicious. Shit! I have less than an hour,” he rambled, hastily gathering his things. “Come on, sempai. Let’s get out of here before Mao—or any of his bandmates—show up for work.”

“Okay,” the elder agreed, standing up as quickly as he could with his sore muscles. The two vocalists grabbed their bags and snuck out of the conference room (the janitor must have unlocked the door). They made it downstairs, through the exit, and outside without being seen. Kyo breathed in relief. “Thanks for… everything,” he managed awkwardly.

The younger gave a bright smile. “Sure thing.”

“Where are you headed?”

“That way, home to change and feed my dog. She’s going to be furious.”

“I’m headed this way,” the elder said, pointing in the opposite direction.

“Okay. Well…” The black haired vocalist shuffled his feet and bit at his lip. “Goodbye, Kyo-sempai,” he said, kissed the man on the cheek, and hurried down the street.

Kyo blinked in surprise, a blush rising to his cheeks. He watched Ruki go for a moment before continuing on his way. Kaoru would kill him if he was late.


	2. Chapter 2

“ShoxX magazine asked their readers which two artists they would like to have featured together in a special issue. You and The Gazette received the most votes,” DIR EN GREY’s manager informed them.

The band looked back at him in surprise. “Cool,” Die smiled.

“I think our fans would like that,” Kaoru voiced.

“Good,” their manager smiled. “The photoshoot takes place this weekend so when it’s over the ten of you can go out and socialize—if you like.”

“Where is it?” Toshiya asked.

“The PSC building. Your driver will know where to go. I’ll send you the rest of the detail when I have them,” he told Kaoru.

“Yes, sir,” the guitarist nodded.

 

“Yay; it’s Die-san and Kaoru-san!” Uruha exclaimed, grinning and bouncing over to them with enough exuberance to outmatch Toshiya.

“Good to see you again,” Kaoru said politely.

Die and Aoi made eye contact. “He~ey!” they greeted loudly in unison with wide hugs. “My home-town friend,” the two guitarists continued.

Kai came over to the other three with Reita. “Sorry about them,” the drummer smiled. “I’m Kai, drummer and leader. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Those four obviously know each other.”

“I’m Reita, bass,” the other introduced.

“Toshiya, bass,” the taller grinned. “Nice to meet you.”

“Shinya, drums,” the dirty blond added.

“Nice to meet you,” Kai grinned, dimples and all. He was about to greet the vocalist but paused at the somber look on the elder’s face. There was a brief, awkward silence until a short black haired man came over to them.

“Kyo-san. It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Ruki smiled, giving the blond a wink that said ‘I won’t tell if you won’t.’

Kyo gave a smile in return. “Pleasure to meet you,” he echoed. “I look forward to working with you.”

Any awkward air was gone with the vocalists’ easy exchange. Soon the ten musicians were engaged in conversation, smiling and laughing, introductions being made all around. Sakai came over as well to introduce them to the photographer and tell them the plans for the photoshoot. “Kai-san,” a woman interrupted them, “it’s time to start. The stylists are waiting down the hall.”

“Oh! Please lead the way,” the drummer smiled. The woman nodded and led the ten men down the hall to their dressing rooms.

“Where are your makeup and hair artists?” Uruha asked Die.

“They do their own makeup,” Reita replied before the redhead could. Die simply smiled and joined his band in the other room.

“Why can’t we do our own makeup?” the other guitarist pouted.

“They’ve been in the business longer. Your time will come,” Aoi assured, pushing the taller man into their dressing room.

“I was afraid this was going to be awkward,” Kai admitted once they were behind closed doors. “Obviously there was nothing to worry about with you guys,” he added to Aoi and Uruha. Uruha smiled brightly while Aoi shrugged. “In any case, getting through the photoshoot is easy; not much talking required.”

Reita paused in putting on his jacket. “You’re worried we won’t get along?”he asked to clarify. The drummer hummed.

Uruha pat him on the shoulder. “Just be yourself. They’re regular guys just like us underneath it all. Besides, Ruki cleared the hard part.”

The vocalist looked up. “What do you mean?”

“Let’s face it; none of us were going to even approach Kyo-san until you talked to him.”

Ruki blinked in shock. “You’re afraid of him?”

“A little,” the others confessed.

“He does give off an unapproachable vibe,” Aoi added.

“Maybe he’s just too shy to talk first,” Ruki suggested and ended the conversation at that.

The photoshoot went smoothly without hassle. They were paired by positions, including specifics such as Uruha and Die as lead guitar and Kaoru and Aoi as rhythm. Kaoru and Kai were featured together as bandleaders. Kyo and Ruki were photographed while their leaders answered a brief interview over… well… being leader. Group shots consisted of both bands individually, side by side from vocalist to drummer, then mixed with the two vocalists still in the center for a more condensed picture.

When the shoot was finished they decided on a restaurant for dinner and drinks. It was a bit hard to find a place big enough—and private enough—but they found a restaurant that fit both requirements. Drinks were ordered first and Kai took it upon himself to raise a toast to a photoshoot well done. Toshiya, Uruha, Die, and Kai were the most sociable. Kaoru, Aoi, and Reita were mellower, leaving the two vocalists and Shinya as the quiet on-lookers. Uruha noticed, however, that everyone in DIR EN GREY tried their best to be on Kyo’s right when speaking to him. At some point (most likely after a few drinks), Aoi joined in on the livelier conversation. Kai and Kaoru shared trials they had had being leader throughout the years. And Kyo and Ruki shared sideways glances and shy smiled no one else could see.

They finished off the night by smoking and talking in a nearby park. Shinya was the only non-smoker in the group. Kyo was fighting sleep soon, trying his best not to fall asleep on Shinya. Ruki observed in silence. He noticed how comfortable everyone was with each other. He saw how Kaoru and Toshiya complimented each other’s personalities and how opposite Die and Shinya were. Aoi was more like Kaoru but was friendlier with Die. Kaoru was mellow like Reita. Toshiya and Uruha were two peas in a pod. Kai, of course, fit with everyone like he always did. There was something about the drummer that made people warm up to him. Ruki guessed it was the dimples.

Die wandered over to the three on the park bench. “Hey, babe,” he greeted the drummer, “you’re coming over, right, since it’s the weekend?”

Shinya cocked his head at Kyo, now fast asleep on his shoulder. “After we take him home. I’ll make you miso before bed,” he promised.

The redhead grinned. “You’re the best, Shin-chan.”

“Whatever.”

“You can bring Miyu and Tina over, too.”

Shinya thought for a moment. “Fine.” Die smiled in satisfaction and joined Aoi again.

Ruki looked at the drummer. “Who’re Miyu and Tina?” he quirked.

“Miyu is my dog and Tina is my cat.”

“I have a dog, too,” Ruki smiled, easily getting out his phone to show the other. “Her name is Koron.”

“Cute,” the drummer said with a small—but genuine—smile.

“Does Kyo-san have any pets?”

“He had a couple kangaroo rats for years but he hasn’t gotten anything else since they died,” Shinya replied.

“It’s almost eleven,” Kai announced to the group. “We should be heading back,” he said. Kaoru nodded in agreement.

“But we’re having so much fun!” Toshiya and Uruha pouted.

“Toshiya,” Kaoru said in a stern voice.

The bassist sighed and turned to the guitarist. “See you around, I guess,” he pouted. “This was fun.”

The younger grinned. “Definitely.”

“Aoi, we’re leaving,” Reita called. He and Kai came over to say their goodbyes. Aoi and Uruha followed, hugging Kaoru and Doe before joining the others.

“It was nice working with you, Ruki-san,” Kaoru bowed before leading Toshiya and Die toward the street.

Shinya nudged Kyo awake. “Come on. Die and I are taking you home,” he told the vocalist. Kyo groaned and nodded, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. “Say goodbye to Ruki-san and meet us by the road,” the drummer instructed, bowed to Ruki, and joined the red haired guitarist.

“Okay,” the blond yawned. He leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to Ruki’s cheek. “Good night, Ruki,” Kyo mumbled before getting up. Ruki watched him go, blinking slowly and wide-eyed, a blush covering his cheeks. He brushed the kiss off as meaningless, blaming it on the sleep clouding the other’s mind.

 

“Did you know Kyo-san is partially deaf in his left ear?” Uruha quirked.

His bandmates looked at him. “No,” Kai replied. “How did you know?”

“I noticed his bandmates talked mostly in his right ear and I was curious. I looked it up online. Apparently, it happened the first time he was hospitalized. Ayumi Hamasaki is partially deaf, too.”

“So, could Ruki have lost his hearing when he got sick?” Reita questioned.

“Maybe, if it had been bad enough.”

“That must be rough,” Aoi sympathized.

“Yeah, but,” Ruki began, “imagine how hard it must have been to decide to keep singing. I mean, you know some things are going to be different no matter what. He probably has a hearing aid, it could have affected his voice and singing style, and it’s definitely a worry when he is hospitalized again. I think it takes a lot, as a person, to keep going and push through that kind of obstacle to keep doing what you love.”

The others looked at him without a word. Uruha gave a devious smirk, crossing his arms and cocking his head—and hip—to the side. “Sounds to me like someone has a crush.”

Ruki looked up, aghast. “I do not! I’ve only met the man once,” he contradicted.

The guitarist shrugged. “Sometimes once is all it takes.”

“Oh, grow up, you shit.”

“How come you never tell Aoi that? He’s the older but acts the most like a kid out of any of us.”

“This is your problem, man,” Aoi stated to declare he was going to stay out of it for his own safety.

“Uruha, lay off,” Reita chastised calmly. “They barely even spoke to each other the other night. Ruki’s been hospitalized, too, so I’m sure he’s just able to empathize with what Kyo-san has gone through.”

Uruha sighed in defeat. “Fine, fine…” he pouted and stalked back to his guitar. Ruki cast Reita a thankful smile. The bassist nodded, turning back to his magazine

Kai shook his head at them with a weary sigh. “Never a dull moment with you guys…” he muttered.

“Kazuki-cha~n!” Aoi sing-sang, jumping from his seat and running out in to the hall to tackle a passing  blond. Kai shook his head again.


	3. Chapter 3

Kyo looked at the magazine stand. The issue he had been browsing for was gone, leaving an empty lot in the otherwise full row. “That’s surprising,” a voice said behind him. The blond whirled around to see a brunet leaning over his shoulder at the same magazine slot. “I didn’t think we’d be this popular,” the man mused. He smiled at the blond. “It’s been a while, Kyo-san.”

“Ruki-san. You changed your hair.”

“Mm. New single coming out. What about you; staying blond?”

“Yeah, at least for a while. I like the way it looks,” the elder said with a shrug.

“I’m sure your fans do, too.”

“How’d you recognize me?” Kyo quirked. It may have been the middle of June but most celebrities still went out in disguise; masks, long sleeved shirts that weren’t too hot or plain t-shirts anyone would wear, sunglasses and unstyled hair.

The younger tapped him on the hand where black ran down his middle finger. “Tattoos,” he added to the explanation.

Kyo looked at him. “Any fan could have copied it,” he blurted. Ruki raised a brow in a look that clearly said ‘I’m not stupid’. The blond chuckled. “So what are you doing here? Obviously, if you’re looking for ShoxX, you’re out of luck.”

Ruki laughed. “I have a yearly subscription to the magazine. I just came to see how it was doing… and ask if you wanted some company for the day,” he said, rocking on the balls of his feet. The elder blinked in surprise. “I saw you from the window,” Ruki added. “I was just going to do some shopping—clothes, music, things I need for the house—nothing special,” he said in a rush.

“Okay.”

The brunet blinked at him. “Huh?”

“I’d love some company,” Kyo smiled.

Ruki’s face lit up. “Great!”

 

Ruki peeked at the blond on the other side of the shirt rack he was thumbing through. They had been to a few stores already with zero to minimal conversation. The brunet bit at his bottom lip. “You’re partially deaf in your left year?” he blurted before he could catch himself. Thankfully, Kyo was not offended.

“Mm,” he hummed in confirmation, looking at a shirt indecisively. “I was hospitalized the first time for hearing problems and was declared partially deaf,” he said.

“When?”

“Back in 2000 or so, I think,” the blond replied. “You’ve been hospitalized, too, haven’t you?”

“Yeah, but… I was lucky,” the younger pointed out.

Kyo shrugged. “It’s not so bad.”

“Do you have a hearing aid?”

“Mhmm.”

“Why aren’t you wearing it?”

“It’s not required.”

Ruki hummed. “How bad is it?”

The blond picked out another shirt. “If you were at the other side of the store I wouldn’t be able to hear you as clearly. It’d be like someone whispering across the room. Factor in the crowd, the music…”

The other vocalist moved on to a table of belts. “It must have been hard,” he voiced quietly.

Kyo followed. “It was at first. The hearing aid helped the first few months until I got used to it.”

“Do you have to use it again every time you get hospitalized?”

“Nah,” the elder shook his head. “Are you hungry? I’m starting to starve,” he quirked.

Ruki noticed the way Kyo scratched at an exposed spot of skin. “Starving.”

Kyo took Ruki to a Chinese restaurant that wasn’t too crowded. They sat at a window table, their bags on the floor against the wall. The cool of the air conditioning was a pleasant relief from the heat outside. The two vocalists ate in comfortable silence—to Ruki’s surprise. This level of silence was one he had with his bandmates. There was no need to talk, no pressure to speak. The brunet looked out at the crowd through the window. There were so many high school kids enjoying their weekend. Ruki gave a slight frown. His high school years had not been the best. “What was school like for you?”

The blond paused, looking at the younger man in question. “Fine?”

“I mean high school, specifically.”

“I dropped out when I was 15 to start my music career,” the elder blurted.

“… Oh.”

Kyo looked up again. Ruki was staring out the window with a pensive expression. “Why; how was yours?”

Ruki shrugged. “Well, I wasn’t exactly getting along with my parents then…” he trailed off, holding his green tea in midair. “I dropped out senior year so I didn’t graduate, either.”

“How did that go over with your parents?”

The brunet gave a scoffing laugh. “My father disowned me. They didn’t contact me for years until we became pretty popular.”

Kyo hummed. “You’re not alone. Toshiya’s father wasn’t supportive until he saw us live and Kaoru’s parents refer to us as _that_ band. My parents weren’t supportive but they didn’t disown me. How did that happen, anyway?”

Ruki hesitated. “We got in a fight and I ran away.”

The blond watched him. He could tell that was the vague, condensed version of the story but he could also tell that was the only version Ruki wanted to tell. “I became a roadie for Kiyoharu-san’s band,” he said in a cheerier change of topic.

The younger man’s brow raised in interest. “Yeah? Is that where you got inspiration for your stage name?”

The blond laughed. “No, that’s from Kyoto, my hometown.”

“I picked Ruki because it sounds cute.”

Kyo laughed again. “Cute, huh? It’s fitting.”

“Why, thank you,” the brunet said, straightening up with pride. Kyo could only laugh. “By the way, how many tattoos do you have?”

“Lost count. You?”

Ruki replied in a singsong tone. “Not telling~,” he smirked. “Do you draw?” The elder nodded. “Can I see?”

“I don’t have anything with me.”

“Boring,” the other huffed. He dug in his large handbag and pulled out a sketchbook and pen. “Draw something,” Ruki commanded.

Kyo looked at him with a raised brow but acquiesced, taking the notebook and pen in hand. Ruki waited, one leg bouncing on the other and chin in his hands, trying to peek at what the blond was drawing. Kyo looked up with a slightly scolding expression. “Patience is not one of your strong points, is it?” he quirked.

“No, but curiosity is,” the brunet blurted.

“I can see that.”

“Hey,” the younger snapped. Kyo chuckled. After a few more minutes the blond returned the sketchbook. Ruki looked at the detailed image intently, silently, before giving Kyo an honest smile. “I like it.”

The elder blinked in surprise. “Yeah?”

Ruki hummed in affirmation. “It’s dark but that’s the charm.” Kyo made a noise of thought but Ruki ignored him. “Let’s get out of here. Tea is good and all but I need coffee.”

“We just finished eating.”

“Fine,” Ruki huffed, gathering his numerous bags, “we’ll do some more shopping first.”

“Are you a shop-a-holic?” Kyo questioned.

“Borderline.”

 

“How many times have you been hospitalized?” Ruki asked. The two vocalists sat under a sakura tree with Starbucks in their hands, enjoying the shade provided by the tree and looking out at the park. There were several people out on picnics there, some couples or families.

Kyo took a sip of his coffee. “Let’s see… First in 2000. Then in 2006 and 2009—both for inflamed vocal chords. I had vocal nodule dysphonia from late 2011 to early 2012 and had surgery for that… and I had tonsillitis later that year,” he replied.

The brunet shook his head. “I can’t imagine…” Kyo looked at him in question. “I was so scared when I lost my voice. I immediately thought, ‘what if this is it? What if I can’t sing anymore?’ But when the doctors told me it was something as small as exhaustion and a cold I was so relieved. I love singing. I love making music… especially with such good friends. I can’t imagine how it must feel to have that worry over and over again every time you’re hospitalized. It must be awful,” Ruki voiced, turning to Kyo again at the end.

The elder nodded. “It is scary,” he admitted, “but it’s part of life. There’s no use worrying about it because it’s bound to happen at least once—to every singer. Most of them are lucky and don’t have to do any major recovery. Some, like me, have to have surgery. And some, unfortunately, get hospitalized once and can never sing again.”

Ruki sighed sadly. “God…”

“But that doesn’t mean their life is over. There are many things to do in the music business—and out of it. One chapter of your life may be over but there are many more to be written.”

The brunet stared at him in awe. “Wow…” he mused with a small, surprised laugh.

“What?” the blond quirked.

Ruki only turned back toward the park with a smile. “Wow,” he repeated. Kyo raised a brow but Ruki didn’t say anything more. With another sip of his coffee he turned toward the park. After a few minutes in comfortable silence the younger vocalist held out his hand to the other. “Cell phone.”

Kyo blinked. “What?”

“Give me your cell phone.” Kyo handed the device to him without a word. Ruki took it and began punching keys at rapid pace. “There,” he said, handing it back, “now you can message me whenever you want some company—or when you need to be rescued from an awkward situation with an ex.”

The blond vocalist chuckled. He was quickly learning that Ruki was full of surprises. “You got it.”


	4. Chapter 4

Ruki wandered around the building. It was quieter than usual because it was the weekend—and many of the guitarists were gone for another meet-up. Kai had gone home to see his parents for the weekend and Reita had gone home early with a fever. Ruki had had to stay for a Black Moral meeting. His meeting was over but he had nothing to do. Now he wandered around the building, listening in on what some of the other bands were doing.

Screw was in a meeting of their own about promotion for their new album coming out soon. SuG was finishing practice. Alice Nine was finished so Ruki thought of going to see if Shou wanted to hang out. Ruki had just rounded another corner when he saw two familiar people in an awkward exchange. The brunet hid back behind the corner, vaguely aware of the sense of déjà vu at the act.

“Kyo,” Mao smiled fondly. Ruki heard the love in the other vocalist’s voice, the familiarity and closeness when he spoke. It made him feel sorry for Kyo. “How are you?” Mao continued as he hugged the blond.

“Good,” Kyo replied, returning the gesture. Ruki saw the ease in the exchange… and the pain that flashed through Kyo’s eyes. “You?”

“Good,” Mao parroted. “What are you doing here?”

“Sukekiyo merchandise meeting.”

“Oh. Ruki-san had a meeting, too. I guess everyone’s meeting here today,” the younger mused.

“Did you have a meeting, too?”

“Oh, no. I’m leaving on tour next week so Byou and I are spending the weekend together.”

“Oh…”

Ruki felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He took out the device to read a message from Kyo. _When had that been sent?_ ‘If you’re finished with your meeting… I could use some help.’ Ruki smiled. Determined, he squared his shoulders and waited for the right moment.

“What are you doing this weekend?” Mao asked.

Kyo hesitated. “Not sure…”

“Have you met someone?” the black haired vocalist inquired.

 _That was fast_ , Ruki thought and came out of hiding.

“Well, I…”

“There you are!” Ruki chirped, popping up at Kyo’s side. “We have plans, remember?” Kyo blinked at him.

Mao looked at them in surprise. “You do?” he quirked.

Ruki didn’t miss a beat. “Yeah. Our guitarists are at a meet-up and out other members are busy so we’re going to go celebrate our photoshoot collaboration together.”

“That was almost a month ago,” Kyo pointed out.

“You mean you haven’t heard?” the brunet blinked incredulously. “We were so popular ShoxX had to do a full reprint.”

“Wow…” Mao stared.

“Yup. So we’re going to go celebrate before picking up our drunken guitarists. See you later, Mao-kun,” Ruki smiled, waved, and pulled Kyo down the hall.

“See you… Have fun!” Mao called after them.

“We will!”

“How’d you get there so fast?” Kyo asked when they were out of earshot.

The brunet shrugged. “I was nearby.”

The blond looked at him. “Was any of that true?”

“About ShoxX? Every word. Your manager didn’t tell you?”

“No… Thank you, by the way.”

Ruki grinned at him over his shoulder. “No problem.”

Kyo sighed. “I need a smoke,” he announced.

“Let’s go to the park first. It should be empty by now. Besides, I like the fountains.”

“Okay.”

 

Kyo and Ruki sat on the stone steps only feet away from the fountains, each with a cigarette burning in their fingers. Wadakura Fountain Park had three fountains. One end of the park (where Kyo and Ruki were located) had a large granite pool with three large fountains in the center and twelve small ones around the pond. The fountain on the other side was a tall, columned structure with spouts along a stone top. When the sun hit the water viewers were able to see a rainbow in the spray. The third fountain was on the other side of the columns. It was a c-shaped sphere made of numerous pipes. Triangular mini-gardens were located all around the park.

Once the city grew dark, the fountains were lit up by a bright white light to illuminate the park. Ruki was finishing his first cigarette while Kyo was working on his second. The brunet cast a sideways glance when he lit it, noting the obvious irritation on the elder’s brow. _He must be thinking of Mao_ , he thought somberly.

“What time do you have to get your bandmates?”

Ruki whirled his head toward Kyo in question. “Huh?”

“After the meet-up; are you the designated driver?” the elder repeated with an exhale of silver.

“Oh,” Ruki said, turning his attention to the can of coffee in his hand. “No, their boyfriends usually take them for the weekend so I’m not needed,” he explained while gently swinging the can back and forth. “What about you?”

“Shinya and Toshiya will probably get them.”

“Ah.”

“How old is this fountain?” the blond quirked.

“No idea. It was built in honor of the emperor’s wedding but I don’t know how long ago that was.”

Kyo scoffed. “Probably before we were even born.” *

“You sure?” Ruki quirked with a teasing brow. “You’re getting on in years, aren’t you?”

The blond scowled. “You’re no spring chicken yourself.”

Ruki burst in to laughter. “Spring chicken!” he repeated. Kyo smiled at the sound; honest and spontaneous. “I’m 32 but I don’t feel it at all. Even when I think I’ve been in the same band for over 10 years I still don’t feel old. Maybe the music keeps us younger,” the brunet mused, a smile still on his lips. Kyo hummed in thought. “When are you publishing another poem book?”

“Don’t know.”

“Hmm…” He turned back to the fountain. The bright white light had changed to yellow, casting a warmer glow on the water. “They look like candles, don’t they?” the brunet quirked. Kyo looked at the fountains and nodded. “Ah! Look!” Ruki exclaimed excitedly, pointing at the water in emphasis.

The yellow light changed to purple. The smaller fountains stopped running. The purple was beautiful against the dark skyline. The still water undisturbed by the fountains’ reflections looked like black glass. Kyo glanced at Ruki. His handsome face was bright with awe, bathed in the purple glow of the fountain, eyes twinkling at the sight. Kyo was fixed on the scene. He thought Ruki looked beautiful, and when the color switched back to white, Kyo was still looking at him. Ruki turned, meeting his gaze with an innocent smile. He didn’t ask Kyo if something was wrong. Instead he looked away, feeling self-conscious for some reason, to hide the blush tinting his cheeks.

Suddenly Kyo exclaimed and jumped. “Ow, shit,” he hissed.

The brunet turned to see him dropping the cigarette and sucking on a finger. “Did you burn yourself?”

“Yeah…”

“Here; let me see,” the younger vocalist offered, holding out his hand for Kyo’s. The blond showed him the burn. Ruki looked at the irritated skin. “It doesn’t look too bad,” he voiced. The vocalist dug in his bag and brought out a band-aid and a small tube.

“What’s that?” Kyo inquired.

“Burn ointment.”

“I thought you said it wasn’t that bad,” the elder protested.

Ruki glanced up at him. “It’s just burn ointment, Kyo,” he said with a humored smile. Then he proceeded to squeeze a miniscule amount of gel onto the burn, blew on it, and secured the band-aid over the area. “There,” the brunet stated before pressing a gentle kiss on the elder’s finger.

Kyo stared. It had only been the slightest brush of velvet softness on his skin, but it sent a very delicious thrill throughout his entire being. “Thank you…” he managed as Ruki released his hand.

“You’re welcome,” the younger returned as he put the ointment back.

“So what now?”

“I don’t know,” Ruki shrugged.

The blond thought for a moment. “I have some alcohol at my place.”

The other vocalist nodded. “Deal.”

 

Ruki stirred from sleep with a content sigh and a stretch, opening his eyes to stare sleepily at the ceiling above. He glanced to the left to read the time… but there was no cock. In fact, there wasn’t even a nightstand. There was, however, a very peaceful-with-sleep blond facing him. It was then the brunet realized not only was he not in his own bed but he was also not in his own apartment. The vocalist saw the alarm clock on the other side of the bed and screamed.

Kyo woke with a start, watching sleepy-eyed as Ruki scramble-rolled off the bed in a flurry of sheets. “What are you doing?” he asked in a hoarse voice.

“It’s so late! I’m going to be late for work! I-I have to go home, change, grab my music, feed Koron…” the younger rambled.

“Is this going to be a regular thing with you?” the elder grumbled rubbing his eyes.

“Shit, where’s my phone? Kai is going to chew me up and spit me back out just so he can yell at me more.”

The blond sighed. “Ruki… it’s Saturday.”

The younger man froze and turned to him slowly. “What?”

Kyo yawned. “It’s Saturday morning. We don’t have work until Monday which is why we drank so much last night,” he repeated.

“Oh…” Suddenly Ruki felt very self-conscious. “What exactly did we do last night?” he ventured.

The elder raised a brow. “We came here after the park, got drunk, passed out in my bed. I wasn’t going to force you on to the couch,” the vocalist explained. Ruki looked himself over. He was fully dressed in flannel pants and his t-shirt and his body was in no pain—meaning they hadn’t had sex. “You can keep the pants; they’re old,” Kyo added.

“Thanks… I didn’t tell you anything embarrassing, did I?” Kyo shook his head. The brunet exhaled in relief.

“Now come back to bed…” the blonde offered with a jerk of his head. The younger agreed and crawled under the covers, snuggling into the comfortable sheets as he closed his eyes. Kyo did the same. A smirk pulled at his lips. “Takanori.”

Ruki’s eyes snapped open in horror.

 

 

*Emperor Akihito was married April 10, 1959, almost 20 yrs before Kyo was born.

 


	5. Chapter 5

“What happened to your finger?” Kaoru inquired of the vocalist.

“Cigarette burn,” Kyo replied.

Shinya pealed back the dirty band-aid. “Looks good…” His brow creased. “You put burn cream on it?”

“Ruki did.”

“For a cigarette burn?” Die confirmed.

“Yup. Along with a kiss to make it better,” the vocalist said. His bandmates blinked.

Over the next few weeks Kyo and Ruki became good friends. They met for lunch when they were in the same area, went for dinner after meetings, had more band gatherings, and spent weekends together. Ruki invited Kyo over once, telling him to bring a change of clothes just in case. They lounged on the brunet’s bed for hours. Kyo drew and designed while Ruki read a new book. At some point the blond fell asleep, curling in to Ruki’s warmth. Ruki fell asleep later, book open within reach, their bodies entangled in a comfortable way.

Koron took a liking to Kyo as well. She would wag her tail in excitement when he walked through the door. She used him as a pillow, demanded he play with her, and disrupted his work just as much as she did Ruki’s. Kyo’s apartment didn’t allow dogs, however, so whenever Ruki spent the night Koron was left behind. Ruki was greeted with a dog’s equivalent of the cold shoulder the next day. The attachment was mutual, though, so Kyo quickly became like a secondary owner.

Despite all the time the two vocalists spent together, they had yet to become _close friends_. There were still details they kept to themselves; secrets they didn’t even hint to, stories they refused to share. Kyo had not revealed his real name. Ruki had not mentioned specifics about relationships before Shizuru. There were topics they didn’t approach—about the world or themselves. They were good friends, yes; but they had a long way to progress before they were considered close.

Shinya approached Kyo one day at the end of practice. “Mao-san is back from tour,” the drummer voiced carefully.

Kyo hummed, putting his sketchbook back in his bag. “Their last concert was a few days ago. What about it?”

“He’s here.”

The vocalist looked up at that. “What for?”

“I guess they left from our studio. Our parking lot is bigger,” Shinya volunteered. “He hasn’t left yet so… you might run in to him,” the younger continued.

“Oh… Don’t worry, Shinya,” Kyo offered with a smile, “our breakup was mutual, remember? I can handle it.”

The drummer looked unsure. “Okay. I’ll see you next week.”

“See ya,” the elder returned and left the room. He made his way down the hall toward the lobby. Workers thanked him for his hard work along the way. Shinya’s worry was confirmed before Kyo could reach the elevator. “Mao.”

The younger turned to him and smiled. “Hey. You’re here late.”

“Mm. Practice ran longer than usual.”

“Can I leave with you?”

“Sure.” The two vocalists continued down the hall, Mao lugging a large suitcase and several bags. “How was tour?”

“Great,” the other replied. “We had an encore for every show and all our merchandise sold out.”

“That’s impressive,” the blond praised as they entered the elevator. “What are you doing to celebrate?”

Mao blushed and smiled in a way that made Kyo regret he had asked immediately. He already knew what the answer entailed. “Byou is taking me to the hot springs for the weekend. We have a private bath, room service… There are shrines and temples nearby… Then we’re going to visit his brother—the one that owns a clothing store. I haven’t met him yet.”

“Oh.”

“I’ve met everyone else in his family but his brother was never around,” the brunet continued.

“Sounds like you guys are pretty close,” Kyo said in a tight voice.

“Mm. Well, I’ve known him for years so of course his family knows me, too. They really like me, Byou says, so he doesn’t think it’ll be so stressful telling them we’re together.”

“I see.”

“What about you?” Mao asked cheerfully as they reached the main lobby. “Are you seeing anyone or have you found someone you’re interested in?”

Kyo snapped. “What do you care?” he demanded fiercely. Mao shrank back at the sudden change. “I don’t care about your boyfriend. He’s all you talk about! Even when we were dating you’d ramble about him for weeks. What do you care if I’m with someone?”

The younger hesitated. “I-I just… want you to be happy.”

“You want me to be happy?” the blond repeated in a steely tone. “You’re the reason I’m miserable in the first place. You left me, remember? Am I seeing someone? Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. But you’ll never know because it’s none of your business,” the elder hissed.

Mao looked hurt. “Kyo…” He reached out to the taller.

Kyo jerked away. “Don’t touch me,” he sneered and turned away, storming out of the studio without looking back. A text alert sounded from his cell phone. ‘Done with practice?’ Ruki asked. The blond sighed. He knew if he went home he would trash the place in anger. ‘Can I come over?’ he typed back. When Ruki replied, he turned in the direction of the brunet’s apartment.

 

Ruki looked at the blond vocalist warily. Kyo had excused himself to smoke within seconds of arriving. He fidgeted in irritation, tapping his foot at rapid pace. Ruki watched from the living room, darting in and out of the kitchen with coffee and snacks, a sense of unease growing inside him the longer Kyo stayed outside. When he had finished his third cigarette the blond came back in. The brunet’s brow creased in concern. “Kyo? What’s wrong?”

The elder drew a deep breath. “Mao and I had a fight.”

The other vocalist blinked in surprise. “What happened?”

“He was flaunting his happiness,” Kyo spat irritably. “He was all smiles, telling me how happy he is, asking if I’ve found someone new as id it’s as easy for me to move on as it is for him.”

The brunet hesitated. “So what did you say?”

“I said it’s none of his business since it’s his fault I’m alone again in the first place. It’s because he left that I’m lonely again,” the blond replied, beginning to pace the area between the living room and the balcony as he spoke.

The younger shook his head with a soft smile. “I’m sure that’s not the case,” he contradicted gently and made his way toward Kyo. “You’re not alone—you have people who care for you—and the loneliness will pass. Of course it’s not easy to find someone… but you will,” the brunet insisted encouragingly.

Kyo glared. “Ch. Easy for you to say.”

Ruki’s brow creased in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I bet you’ve always thought that way when it comes to relationships,” Kyo explained. “When one ends you just tell yourself, “There are others; I’ll find someone else,” and move on.”

That struck Ruki hard. He knew Kyo was angry but he was being unfair to Ruki. Surely Kyo knew by now Ruki had had his share of bad relationships. “That’s not true,” he defended himself curtly.

“I’m not like you and Mao; I’m not that optimistic. I can’t just shrug it off like you can,” the elder rambled.

“Kyo.”

“It must be nice not to have to deal with the weight of a breakup like the rest of us.”

Ruki gawked, affronted. “Kyo!”

“I bet you’ve never had your heart broken, eith…” Kyo stopped short when a pack of cigarettes hit him hard in the head. He whirled around to meet the brunet’s livid face.

“Don’t say that!” Ruki screamed. “You have no right!” Kyo staggered back, defenseless, as Ruki began hitting his chest in his anger.  “What do you know about how I feel? You don’t; you don’t know a goddamn thing! You have no idea what I went through before Shizuru. Do you have any idea how it feels to love someone—I mean really love someone with every fiber of your being—and have them tell you you’re nothing but a fuck-buddy to them? No, you don’t, because even with Mao you had _some_ semblance of love in your relationship. I didn’t have _any_ of that—I’ve _never_ had that. You have no idea how fast and how far I fell apart. You have absolutely no idea how long it took me to get my life back in to some sort of stable condition! You have no idea how _heartbroken_ I was!” the vocalist shrieked. Tears spilled over his distraught features onto the floor. He stopped hitting Kyo to cover his face in shame. “You don’t know anything…!”

Kyo’s chest pinched in regret. He pulled the sobbing man to him and locked him in his arms. “Ruki… Ruki, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of it,” the blond apologized. Ruki held him back, clinging to the elder’s back as he cried against his shoulder. “I’m so sorry,” Kyo repeated and pressed a kiss to Ruki’s neck before laying his head on the other’s shaking shoulder. Ruki’s running of his hands along the elder’s back was his silent way of accepting Kyo’s apology, but the pain in Kyo’s chest only lessened. It would be there forever, waiting, until it came back again to remind him he had hurt Ruki.

The coffee Ruki had made turned cold. The snacks went uneaten. Kyo changed into the old pants he had given Ruki and joined the brunet in bed, once again pulling the younger man against him. Koron curled herself in a ball at Ruki’s side. The room was dark, small neon dots coming in from the window, soft music filling the room from Ruki’s iPod. Ruki nestled in to Kyo’s embrace. The blond’s body heat kept him comfortably warm against the air conditioning. Again, Ruki’s face was against Kyo’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry…”

Ruki’s eyes fluttered open at the sound. He rubbed Kyo’s back. “I know…” he assured, voice slightly scratchy from crying.

“I didn’t mean to take my anger out on you.”

“I know.”

“It wasn’t fair to you… and it wasn’t right.”

The brunet pressed a kiss to Kyo’s neck like he the blond had done before. “It’s okay, Kyo.” The elder squeezed him in thanks. They lay in silence for a minute. “You should apologize to Mao, too… don’t you think?”

Kyo hesitated. “He won’t want to see me. He’s probably at his boyfriend’s place anyway…”

“I know where Byou lives.”

“Okay,” the elder agreed.

Ruki felt Kyo squirm uncomfortably and give a twitch of his fingers against his back. The brunet brought a hand to the blond’s stomach and scratched, causing Kyo to sigh softly in contentment. Ruki smiled to himself. He doubted even Shinya could tell where Kyo had an itch just by the way he squirmed. “Hey… want me to come with you?” he offered.

The blond thought for a moment. “Please,” he replied.

The younger nodded. “Okay.”

“Ruki…”

“Hmm?”

“You don’t have to tell me what happened—ever—but, if you ever want to… I’ll listen.”

Ruki stared silently into the darkness. It was sweet of Kyo to offer to listen if Ruki wanted to tell… but Ruki felt he never would. The brunet gave Kyo’s body a gentle squeeze. “Thank you.”

 

Byou blinked at the brunet in his doorway. “Sempai… What are you doing here so early? Is something wrong?” he asked.

“No, um… could I talk to Mao-kun for a minute?” Ruki requested.

“He’s not in the best mood right now”

“I know. That’s why I’m here.”

The taller raised a brow in question. “Okay. Mao, it’s for you,” Byou called, glanced skeptically at Ruki, and left the foyer.

“Okay,” Mao replied. When he arrived at the door, however, Ruki was not the one to greet him. Mao hesitated. “Kyo…”

The elder bowed his head. “I’m sorry.” The younger man blinked in surprise. “It’s not your fault I’m unhappy. I’m just… frustrated because I’m lonely again. You didn’t leave me… we left each other. And… I’m glad you found someone who makes you happy,” Kyo breathed nervously.

Mao sighed. “Oh, Kyo… You _did_ make me happy. And I love you—I do—it’s just… we didn’t feel like we loved each other that way,” he voiced gently.

“Mm.”

“It didn’t feel right to keep you from finding someone who makes you as happy as Byou makes me, if not more so. I really do want you to be happy. You’re very important to me. You know that… don’t you?”

Kyo gave a nod and a small smile. “I know.”

The younger man wrapped his arms around Kyo in a hug. Kyo returned the gesture. “Thank you for coming to apologize.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” The two vocalists broke apart. “Enjoy your vacation together,” the elder said.

Mao nodded. “Thank you.”

“Bye.”

“Bye,” the younger waved and closed the door.

Kyo turned to Ruki. The brunet smiled. He could see a weight had lifted from Kyo’s shoulders. “I’m proud of you.” The blond have a shy smile and hugged him. Ruki chuckled, hugging him as well.

 _Have you found someone you’re interested in?_ Kyo remembered Mao ask. Then his heart gave a strange _ba_ - _bump_.


	6. Chapter 6

“You’re _moving_?” Ruki repeated in to the phone.

“Mm. My lease is up and I have to be moved out by Friday so we’re not having practice that day,” Kyo explained on the other line.

“Oh. Do you need help?”

“Nah, we’ve got it covered. You can come help me unpack on Saturday if you want,” the elder said.

“Why don’t you just buy a place? I’m sure you have the money for it,” Ruki quirked.

“I don’t need a house—and I didn’t find anything I wanted. My new place is bigger, though. It had a guestroom and it allows pets. That should make Koron happy.” Ruki chuckled. “I hate moving…”

The brunet shook his head affectionately. “Well, I have to get back to practice so I’ll see you on Saturday.”

“Sure,” Kyo agreed. “I’ll text you my new address.”

“Okay.”

 

Ruki never made it to Kyo’s. Thursday night he had been caught in a torrential storm, Friday he was sneezing, and by Saturday morning he was bedridden with a sinus infection. He was taking four pills at a time: Two aspirin for the headache and two pills of cough medicine. Koron had left the room, agitated by all the sneezing and not getting to go for a walk. Ruki knew he would be in bed all day so he had set out ample amounts of newspaper for Koron’s needs. He had texted Kyo with a brief explanation of why he wouldn’t be going over. Just before Ruki could pass out with sleep Kyo messaged him back, but in his foggy mental state all the brunet registered from the text was ‘soup’.

He woke later to someone shaking his shoulder. The vocalist groaned and opened his tired eyes. “Kyo…?” he croaked.

“How are you feeling, Sleeping Beauty?”

Thankfully, Ruki was too tired to blush. “My head is killing me and my eyes burn… My throat hurts from all the sneezing.”

“That’s all from the sinus infection. When was the last time you took your medicine?” the blond asked.

“Depends; what time is it?”

“Almost noon.”

“Around nine, I think.”

“Any improvement?”

The brunet shook his head. “How’d you get in here?” he asked suddenly.

Kyo held up a small silver object. “Kai-san gave me his spare.”

“Oh…” Ruki shifted uncomfortably. “It’s hot,” he whimpered.

The blond leaned forward and placed his hand on the other’s forehead. “No wonder. You’ve got a rather high fever, too.” Ruki gave a dejected sigh. “Do you have an ice pack?”

The younger nodded. “There’s a small one in the kitchen.”

“I’ll be back,” Kyo assured and left the room. Ruki did his best to stay awake. He checked his phone for missed calls or messages. Kyo came back with the ice pack. “Here,” he said, handing it to Ruki. The brunet placed the pack to his head with a grateful sigh. Kyo chuckled. “Better?”

Ruki nodded and managed a smile. “Thanks… I’m sorry I couldn’t come over and help you unpack,” he apologized.

The elder shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll get it done eventually.”

“You didn’t have to do this, you know,” the brunet spoke softly.

Kyo looked at him. “I know. I also know nobody likes being alone when they’re sick.” Ruki gave a small chuckle, eyes slipping closed. “Still tired?”

“Mm…”

The blond took the ice pack off Ruki’s head and tucked it under the pillow. “I’ll be here when you wake up,” he promised. Ruki managed another smile before sleep took over.

By the time Kyo came back from taking Koron for a walk Ruki’s fever had grown worse. Kyo found the brunet moaning in his sleep, head lolling back and forth in discomfort. He shied away from Kyo’s hand when the elder tried to check his temperature. The vocalist refilled the ice pack, found a washcloth, and filled the deepest bowl he could find with more ice water. Kyo spent nearly an hour doing nothing but pressing the wet washcloth to Ruki’s face to bring down his fever. Eventually the brunet stopped moving and his breathing slowed to a steady rate. Kyo checked his temperature again with a breath of relief. Convinced Ruki was out of any danger the blond left him to sleep.

When Ruki woke up again the sky outside had grown dark. Koron was at his feet and Kyo at his side, fast asleep. Ruki looked between them and blushed. One of Kyo’s tattooed hands held firmly to his own. He vaguely remembered calling for the blond, followed by a reassuring squeeze to his hand. Ruki glanced at the clock on his bedside table. He had slept through his second dose time and the ice pack beneath his pillow had grown warm. The brunet looked at the sleeping man next to him, a warm smile forming on his lips.

Ruki reached out to shake the other man’s shoulder. “Kyo.”

The vocalist stirred, eyes opening to stare at Ruki in sleep-clouded confusion. Then he jumped in realization and, to Ruki’s surprise, pressed his forehead to the brunet’s. Kyo gave a soft sigh. “Your fever’s gone,” he announced with a smile.

“Oh,” the younger managed, but now there was a blush warming his cheeks instead. “Um… Are you hungry?” he ventured.

“I made soup earlier like I promised. We just need to heat it up,” Kyo replied.

“Okay. I should take a bath, too; I’m all sweaty.”

“I’ll take Koron out for another walk while you do.”

The brunet blinked. “Another?”

“Mm. The first time was when you went back to sleep.”

Ruki smiled. “Thanks for coming, Kyo,” he voiced.

Kyo squeezed his hand. “You’re welcome.”

After a relaxing, hot bath, Ruki joined Kyo at his dining table for dinner. Soup was accompanied by dumplings and herbal tea. Ruki practically inhaled his food while Kyo took his time, already going for a second serving of soup before Kyo could finish his first. The blond gave him a bemused look. “You’re going to burn your tongue,” he commented.

The younger vocalist shook his head. “Don’t care. This is delicious,” he stated bluntly.

Kyo looked at his food. “It’s nothing special…”

“Yes, it is,” the brunet said through a mouthful of dumpling. “Even Kai couldn’t make something this good.”

The elder blushed. “My mom made it for me all the time when I had a cold. I finally asked her for the recipe when I was diagnosed with tonsillitis.”

Ruki smiled. “I’m glad you did.”

Kyo smiled back. “Well… After I do the dishes and put you back to bed I’ll go home,” he announced.

The brunet’s smile faded and his shoulders slumped. “Oh…”

“And I’m going to make sure you take your medicine.”

“Okay…”

The blond looked up at his tone. “Do you want me to stay?”

The younger avoided his eyes. “You don’t have to…” he mumbled. The rest of dinner was spent in awkward silence. They finished their meal and Kyo did the dishes while Ruki readied himself for bed. Kyo brought him a glass of ice water and his medicine—another four pills—which Ruki took without fuss. The blond brought another glass filled with ice, wished him goodnight, and turned to leave. Ruki caught his hand. Kyo turned to him in question. The brunet took a deep breath to calm his heart. Why was this so hard? “Please stay…” Ruki requested softly, unable to look up at Kyo’s face.

Then he felt a squeeze to his hand. “Let me change first.”

Ruki wondered why he was acting so strangely. If any of his bandmates had offered to stay he wouldn’t have hesitated. Depending on who it was (usually Kai or Uruha) they would have demanded to stay anyway. But this was Kyo, and Ruki had been so disappointed when he said he was going to leave and almost giddy when he agreed to stay. So why, when Ruki wanted him to, was it so hard for him to ask him to stay? Why was there a fuzzy feeling in the bottom of his stomach? _Maybe my fever’s coming back…_

Shou peeked into The GazettE’s practice room. He saw the shorter vocalist and grinned. “Ruki-sempai! Are you free this weekend?” he asked eagerly.

Ruki looked up. “So far; why?”

“Everyone else in my band is busy so I thought we could get a small group together and go drinking. It would be sort of our own ‘guitarists meeting’, you know?”

“Who else are you inviting?”

“Takeru, Nishikawa-sempai, Ryutaro-san, and Miyavi.”

Ruki gave a small grimace. “Miyavi’s coming?”

The taller nodded. “He’s bringing Maya-san so you’re welcome to invite a friend, too.”

The brunet sighed. “I thought Miyavi was too busy filming,” he said in remembrance.

“He doesn’t have any scenes for about a week so he was able to come home. Sempai, please!” the ash-blond begged, hands clasped together. “We haven’t done anything together for a long time. Why should the guitarists get to have all the fun?”

The elder slumped in defeat. “All right, I’ll go,” he conceded.

Shou gave a shout of delight and hugged him, practically bouncing out of the room. “Thank you, sempai!” he called.

Ruki rubbed his temples. He loved going out with his friends—and it had been a while since he had seen Miyavi—but there was no guarantee eight vocalists would be able to agree on something to do. Who would Ruki invite, anyway? “Ah…” he voiced aloud. Kyo would be busy recording for the next two week. Maybe he could use some potential fun the weekend before. Ruki took out his phone and began a message. ‘Shou is getting a small group together for drinks this weekend. You should come. I’ll pay for your drinks as thanks for last weekend’.

Kyo messaged back. ‘You don’t have to pay for me.’

‘I’m going to. Are you coming? You can meet me here after seven on Friday’.

‘I’ll think about it’.

Ruki grinned at the prospect. That fuzzy feeling was in his stomach again but he pushed it aside. The week went by slowly. Every day was packed with different work and no day was spent just practicing or songwriting. By the middle of the week Ruki was looking forward to Shou’s outing—even with Miyavi attending. He exchanged no calls or texts with Kyo because of how busy they both were so he had no idea if Kyo would be going.

Eventually the weekend arrived, and everyone in The GazettE was counting down the hours to when they would be free for the week. Uruha watched the clock the most. Kai caught him looking at the time every five minutes once the clock struck six. The silence in the room was broken when the two guitarists shot up. “Seven o’clock, we’re free!” they shouted, hands in the air. The others watched as they grabbed their things and ran out of the room. Not two minutes later Aoi and Kazuki ran past the room in giggles.

Reita shook his head. “Children.”

Kai gave a tired chuckle. “Come on, Rei. Let’s go home and take a bath.”

Ruki bid his bandmates goodnight, taking his time in packing up. Shou was courteous enough to wait for him—and make everyone else wait—until he was finished. Ruki stretched, popping every joint he could, wishing Uruha had stayed long enough to give him a shoulder massage. The brunet gathered his things. He grabbed his coat and handbag on the way out the door and headed down the hall to find Shou.

Voices grew louder as he neared the right room. He recognized Shou’s voice easily enough. Another voice belonged to Takanori Nishikawa and the third to Takeru. The youngest sounded excited about something. Ruki caught the words ‘cool’ and ‘cost’. When he came to the right hallway, he saw what all the commotion was. There, in the middle of the hall in front of Alice Nine’s practice room, were four vocalists. Takeru had one of Kyo’s hands in his as he looked over the elder’s numerous tattoos. Shou and Nishikawa, being as social as they were, had Kyo engaged in conversation. And Kyo was smiling. Ruki felt a surge of warmth in his chest, the fuzzy feeling coming back full force, and his heart beating at a quickened pace all at once. Ruki took a step toward the group… and froze.

_Wait._

The vocalist ducked into the nearest room. He leaned against the wall, wide-eyed. _It can’t be_ , he thought. _It must be a mistake_. Ruki pressed a hand to his chest. His heartbeat was unusual. Butterflies danced in his stomach. He was warm all over. The brunet ran a hand through his bangs. “Oh…”

Ruki knew what was going on all too well. The symptoms were undeniable, weren’t they? He had felt these things before. The brunet wrung his fingers. _Kyo_. He liked Kyo.

He liked Kyo a lot and the realization hit him hard.

“Oh, god… What do I do?” he whispered to the empty room. “Okay, calm down. It’s just _liking_ someone, it’s not love. Right? You’re not stupid enough to go through that again. It’s not love. It’s not love,” the vocalist repeated to himself. He took a deep breath and joined his friends. _It’s not love_.

And as long as he wasn’t in love, Ruki was confident everyone would be none the wiser.

As long as he wasn’t in love.

 

Two weeks passed in the regular routine. Kyo was busy with recording, rerecording, doing photo shoots and attending interviews. The GazettE was making progress on a new single and recording was set for the end of the week. It was the beginning of August but the heat was showing no sign of relenting.* Kyo and Ruki had spoken very little—as expected from their schedules. Ruki was doing his best not to notice his feelings. At times he caught himself thinking of the blond. He had come to the conclusion that that was fine because he was only in the beginning stages of liking Kyo and there was never a guarantee those feelings would grow in to anything more.

Monday after practice Ruki remembered he was out of dog treats. Eventually Koron would notice they were missing. Even Ruki had to admit she was too spoiled at times. The brunet made his way to the pet supply store he frequented, mind wandering to a certain blond vocalist’s apartment across the city.

Suddenly, harsh hands grabbed him and pulled him off the street. He winced in pain as he was shoved against the wall of a building. “Oh, good,” a voice cackled, “we caught a good one.”

“Look at his fancy clothes. He’s gotta be loaded,” said another. “Hey. Give us whatever you have on you and we’ll be nice,” he sneered. The brunet looked at the men. They were much taller than he was, and most likely stronger. He shook his head. The first man raised a hand and Ruki moved his arms to cover his face.

Ten minutes later Ruki sat curled in to himself against the building. With shaking hands, he pulled out his cell phone and began punching numbers. The first two people didn’t answer. The brunet dialed another. Thankfully, the other party picked up. “Aoi?”

“Hey,” the guitarist greeted.

“Sure. Is something wrong with the new song?”

“No, it’s not about work. Um…” Ruki hesitated. “Can I spend the night?” he requested hopefully.

Aoi was silent for a moment. He must have realized something was off. “Kazuki’s here. Do you mind?”

Ruki shook his head. “No,” he said with a small chuckle. Kazuki’s cheerful demeanor was more than welcomed at this point.

“Okay. Bring Koron and everything you need for a couple nights. Let me know when you get to the building.”

“Okay. Thanks,” the vocalist said and hung up.

Within an hour Ruki had packed an over-night bag with everything he and Koron would need and stood in front of Aoi’s apartment door. Koron fidgeted in his arms. “Coming!” a cheerful voice called from inside. Instantly Ruki felt sorry for ruining the evening. Soon a light-blond guitarist opened the door with a smile. “Sorry to make you wait, sempai,” he greeted.

The brunet shook his head. “It’s okay…”

Kazuki’s brow creased. “Is something wrong?” he asked gently.

Ruki struggled for words. “I…”

The blond took his hand and led him inside. “It’s all right, sempai,” he said, locking the door. “Aoi?”

“I’m in the guestroom!” the guitarist called.

“It’ll have to wait! Living room, now!” the younger man commanded. He sat Ruki down on the couch and took his things.

Aoi came in with a confused expression. “What’s up?” Kazuki gestured to Ruki. “Ru? What’s going on?”

Ruki set Koron down on the floor. He took off his jacket to reveal the marks on his arms. “I was jumped.”


	7. Chapter 7

Aoi’s apartment was in strained silence. The guitarist stared at the marks on Ruki’s skin with a furrowed brow. Kazuki fidgeted in concern. He was waiting for coffee to be ready. “What happened?” Aoi asked after a long silence. “Before you called?”

“Mm,” Ruki nodded. “I was on my way home from practice. Koron is out of treats so I was going to stop by the pet store. Two men pulled me into an alley and told me to give them all the money I had on me but I refused. Then they started beating me.”

“How did you get away?”

“One of the workers from the building I was against was taking out the trash and saw them. He called the police.”

“Did they get anything from you?” The brunet shook his head. “Are you okay? Any breaks or fractures?”

Ruki shook his head again. “I’m fine… just a little shaken up.”

Aoi exhaled in relief. “That’s good… You can stay with me as long as you need to,” he offered.

“Thanks…”

Kazuki came back out of the kitchen with two mugs on a tray. “Here, sempai,” he said, handing a mug to the vocalist.

The brunet gave a small smile in thanks. “I’m sorry… in case my coming here ruined any of your plans,” Ruki voiced. Kazuki flushed, knowing immediately Ruki meant if the guitarists had planned to have sex.

Aoi shrugged. “The apartment’s soundproof,” the raven-haired guitarist stated bluntly. Kazuki hid his face in embarrassment. “If being here will make you feel better, Ruki, that’s all that matters. The guestroom is almost ready. All it needs is the spare comforter. Do you want a bath or shower before dinner?”

Ruki nodded. “A bath would be nice.”

“I’ll get it ready for you and order dinner,” Kazuki smiled softly and left the room.

“Thank you,” Ruki called after him. He turned back to Aoi. “Are you sure I’m not intruding?”

The elder gave a comforting smile. “You know you’re welcome any time. I’m just glad you’re okay. Well, you know, in the main scheme of things. Don’t let the bruises get to you, okay?” the guitarist advised, giving him a tender embrace.

Ruki hugged him back. “I won’t.”

Kazuki came back from the bathroom. “It’s running now. Dinner should be here in about half an hour but you can eat whenever you’re ready,” he told the brunet.

“Zuki convinced me to get a microwave,” Aoi added in explanation.

“Kazuki’s also the one who convinced you to get a 2LDK with a refrigerator—and an oven—when your lease was up,” Ruki pointed out bluntly.

The light-blond blinked. “Eh? I did?”

“I missed out on so much of his food when I didn’t have them. Now I don’t have to throw as much away, either. Besides, you should taste his cooking. He could give Kai a run for his money!” Aoi insisted defensively.

Ruki raised a brow at Kazuki. “High praise indeed. Does he make you cook all the time?”

“You’d be surprised how little he can make himself. If I don’t feed him, who will?” Kazuki replied. Ruki laughed. “Honestly, it’s a miracle he’s survived _this_ long.”

“And what do you get in return for your culinary services?” the brunet quirked through his laughter.

“Besides sex? Not a thing,” the younger said with a shake of his head. Ruki’s laughter grew.

Aoi tried his best to glare but could only pout. “I’m going to check on the bath… jerks,” he muttered and shuffled down the hall. Ruki and Kazuki continued to laugh.

Ruki took his bath and joined the two guitarists for dinner when he was finished. Koron pitter-pattered around everyone’s feet as if she owned the place. By the time dinner was finished it was late enough for Ruki to feel ready for sleep. The adrenaline from the attack had finally run dry and hit him with extra exhaustion. He was sure his body would ache all over in the morning. The vocalist set up in the guestroom, setting Koron’s travel pillow at the end of the futon where his feet would be. He changed his clothes and shuffled to the powder room to brush his teeth. Ruki paused when he heard the conversation in the living room.

“Are you sure I should stay?” Kazuki inquired.

“Of course. We haven’t had a sleep-over all month. Don’t you want to stay?” Aoi rebutted.

“Of course I do…” the younger man paused. Ruki tiptoed to the end of the hall. “It’s just… Ruki-sempai needs you more than I do right now. He had a really bad scare today.”

“Yeah,” the raven-haired guitarist agreed slowly. Then he lifted Kazuki’s chin and smiled. “But it was your cheerfulness that made him laugh earlier. He likes when you’re around. He’s one of the guys who approved of me dating you right away. Come on, babe… stay with me.”

Kazuki gave a small sigh. “I hate when you do that.”

“Do what?” Aoi quirked innocently.

“Look into my eyes while you drop your voice to barely above a whisper,” the blond replied.

Aoi cocked his head to the side. “Do I do that?”

The younger man laughed before kissing him. “You’re a dork.”

“I love you, too.”

Ruki looked away in embarrassment and turned back down the hall. He wasn’t usually jealous after seeing his friends with their partners—he didn’t feel the need to look away, either. The only reason he was jealous was the way they smiled at each other: With pure, down-to-the-core, uninhibited love. Ruki hated himself for feeling this way. He should be happy for his friends. He was, of course, but it always nagged at him that they had something he didn’t. Ruki knew how that kind of love felt, but not how it felt to have someone feel that same love for him. He wondered if the others knew how lucky they were to have that. And he wondered if they recognized that smile when their partners gave it to them.

But most of all, as he curled under the covers of his futon, Ruki wondered if he would ever receive such a smile from someone else—and if he did, would _he_ recognize it?

 

Kyo blew on the hot liquid in his hands to cool it off. He had spent nearly three weeks doing nothing but recording and his vocals were feeling the effects of it. There would be no singing over the weekend. Come to think of it, he had no plans for the weekend. Maybe he would finally finish unpacking.

Toshiya walked by and stopped when he saw what Kyo was drinking. He grimaced at the look of it. “What are you drinking?” the bassist ventured.

“Tea for my throat,” the blond replied.

“Is it good?”

“Not really.”

“How does it taste?”

“Bitter.”

“Then why do you drink it?” Toshiya demanded.

Kyo shrugged. “Because it works.”

“Leave him alone, Toshiya. If it helps his voice, who cares?” Kaoru chastised calmly. “Here; schedules for next week.”

The bassist took the paper handed to him. “Why can’t it be good for you _and_ taste good?”

The guitarist chuckled. “Not everyone has a sweet tooth like you do.”

“I didn’t say it had to be sweet.”

“Why do I have Monday and Tuesday blank?” Kyo asked.

“Extra recovery days,” Kaoru explained.

“Oh.”

“Come on, Totchi, let’s go home,” the guitarist breathed. “See you Wednesday morning, Kyo.”

“Okay.”

Toshiya grabbed his things and followed the elder out the door. “Oh,” he said as an after-thought, “avoid the restroom on your way out. Our bandmates are having a special rhythm lesson,” the bassist finished with an underlying message.

Kyo shook his head. “Thanks for the warning. See you Wednesday.”

“Bye.”

The vocalist finished his drink and left, having already packed his things. He made the subway just in time, glad the crowds were thin because of the time, and stepped in his new home twenty minutes later. Kyo kicked off his shoes before shuffling into the living room. He pulled out his phone to message Ruki. ‘ _Thanks for the tea. It’s nasty but it’s helping’._

 _‘No problem.’_ A few minutes later Ruki messaged again. ‘ _Are you home?’_

_‘Yeah. Why?’_

_‘No reason.’_

Kyo raised a brow at the reply. He thought for a moment before typing again. _‘Want to come over?’_

_‘Can I spend the night?’_

_‘If you want. Bring Koron.’_

_‘Be there in half an hour. I already ate.’_

_‘Okay, see you then.’_

Kyo greeted Ruki with a smile when the brunet arrived. “Hey.”

Ruki gave a smile back. “Hi.” Koron barked.

“Make yourself at home. I got a new movie I thought we could watch. It’s _The Legend of Hercules_.”

“So live-action?” The elder nodded. “Do you like mythology?”

The blond gave a half-shrug. “The darker aspects,” he admitted.

“Did you know the gods in mythology were more promiscuous than the humans ever were? Greeks believed in monogamy and chastity but there were so many women taken by gods anyway. Of course, they couldn’t do anything about it because they were gods and arguing with the gods usually meant instant, horrible death.”

Kyo put in the movie as Ruki settled on the couch. “So if the _gods_ were unable to overcome lust what made them any better than ordinary humans?”

The brunet thought for a moment. “Immortality and supernatural powers.”

The elder chuckled. “Exactly.”

“And the gods made humans go through ridiculous trials to prove they were worthy to love a god. Some women were bound to cliffs, they had to poison someone, or torture themselves before other gods approved.”

Kyo scoffed. “Makes love seem pretty simple these days, doesn’t it?” he quirked as he sat down.

Ruki looked at him for a moment, then turned his attention to the screen. “Love is anything _but_ simple.”

The blond sighed. “I know… Do you think it ever was?”

Again Ruki thought before answering. “When we were kids… and when gods became mythology.” Kyo laughed harder. It made Ruki laugh, too, and he allowed himself to lean in to Kyo. They watched the movie together, pointing out things that interested them. Kyo couldn’t help thinking something was bothering Ruki. He was quieter than usual and hadn’t taken off his jacket. Kyo thought it was still too hot for that. When the movie was over Kyo gave Ruki a brief tour, telling him to help himself to anything he needed and made sure to mention his door would be open. They said goodnight and went to bed.

The elder took his time getting ready. There were still boxes lying around waiting to be unpacked. His bedroom was bigger now so having room for all his things was not the issue. The vocalist put his phone on the charger before changing his clothes and brushing his teeth. The air conditioning was off but the room was cool enough without covers. Before Kyo could get completely comfortable he heard a knock on his bedroom door. He turned to the other vocalist.

The brunet hesitated in the doorway. He wore a sweatshirt with short shorts, Koron waiting at his feet. “Can I sleep with you?” Ruki asked, rubbing his arm self-consciously.  
“Sure,” Kyo agreed easily. After all, sharing a bed with someone—or each other-- was nothing new to either of them. The younger vocalist walked over to the bed… on Kyo’s side. The blond blinked in confusion, scooting back just enough for Ruki to fit without falling off the edge. Ruki settled on his right side with his back against Kyo’s body. Then he wrapped his arms around himself and pulled his knees up to his waist, all without a word. Koron curled up at their feet. Kyo looked at him. His brow creased at the darker spots on the younger man’s bare legs. Bruises? Were there more on his arms? Was that why he was wearing long sleeves?

Before the elder could ask, Ruki spoke. His voice was shaky and soft. “I was jumped … earlier this week. It’s just a few scrapes and bruises and they didn’t get anything from me. Still, it was enough to scare me. Thank you for inviting me over. The last thing I wanted was to be alone.”

Kyo gazed at the back of his head in silence. His heart ached for the younger man;  ached in sympathy and pain for what he had gone through.  The blond propped his head up by the elbow, rubbed Ruki’s arm, and pressed a soft kiss to his temple. “I’ll wait until you’ve fallen asleep,” he offered.

Ruki hesitated. “Can you hold me…?”

“Mm,” Kyo hummed and Ruki felt arms wrap gently around him.

“Tighter…” Again, Kyo acquiesced, tightening his hold with a soft squeeze. _I shouldn’t do this_ , Ruki thought. _I’m falling—hard and fast—and it scares me. But at the same time… I want his arms around me forever._ Ruki fought sleep as long as he could. At length his eyes closed and his body relaxed with sleep, safe and warm in Kyo’s hold. And Kyo kept his promise, watching over Ruki while humming softly to himself until he, too, succumbed to sleep.

The next morning, as sunlight filled the room, Kyo climbed back in to bed after a bathroom break. He lay back in the exact place he had been all night and looked at the brunet before him. Ruki breathed softly in his sleep, calm and oblivious to the world. Kyo glanced down at Ruki’s legs. His stomach clenched when he saw the dark circles on the man’s skin. The thieves must have kicked him repeatedly. Kyo saw now scars or healing wounds on the brunet’s face and knew Ruki had used his arms to shield his face.

The blond leaned forward and placed a soft kiss to Ruki’s neck. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. Ruki stirred but didn’t wake. He rolled over on his other side, facing Kyo, and hooked his arm around the blond’s waist and one leg with Kyo’s. Kyo chuckled to himself, reaching out to move stray strands from the brunet’s face. His heart fluttered when Ruki moved in to the touch. It may have been subconscious on Ruki’s part, but the feelings growing in Kyo’s heart were very much awake.

Kyo smiled. _I like you_.

 

Ruki stared at the scene in his band’s practice room. A young girl around ten years old sat across the coffee table with a spread of nail polish, nail decorations, and hair supplies in front of her. Uruha sat on the couch across from her. One of his hands was in the little girl’s, nails currently being lacquered a bright pink. Aoi was on the couch as well, his own nails freshly painted, carefully tapping away at his iPad. “What is this; ‘Bring your niece to work day’?” the vocalist quirked.

Uruha rolled his eyes. Aoi chuckled at the phrase. “Uruha’s sister is visiting for Obon. She’s also staying with a pregnant friend at the hospital,” the older guitarist explained.

“Is the friend due today?”

“She’s been in labor for about an hour now.”

“Does Kai know she’s here? Does _Sakai-san_?”

Uruha glanced at him. “She’s not hurting anything. She was very good until we were finished for the day,” he said with pride.

Ruki walked by the couch and peered at Uruha’s nails. “That looks like a shade Miyavi would wear,” he commented. The guitarist glared at him. “How’s your summer going, Maki-chan?” the brunet smiled at the girl.

Maki beamed up at him. “Good! I’ve had sleep-overs and birthday parties and I’ve gone swimming lots,” she replied.

“Don’t use run-on sentences,” Uruha chided.

“Are you looking forward to school again?” Ruki continued.

“For the most part,” the girl mumbled.

Uruha blinked at her. “Why? What’s wrong?”

“There’s a boy…”

“Is he bullying you? What’s his name? Do you want me to talk to him?”

Aoi smacked his arm. “Uruha.”

Maki looked up. “I like him.”

Uruha gaped, speechless. Aoi chuckled at him. “Good for you,” Ruki smiled. “So what’s the problem?”

“I don’t know if he likes me,” Maki pouted.

“Have you asked him?” Aoi joined in.

“No.”

“You should.”

“What if he doesn’t like me back?”

Aoi and Ruki shook their heads. “Easy; don’t tell him you like him, either. Then he can’t make fun of you and you can still be friends,” the guitarist replied.

Maki blinked for a moment. “Oh. Okay.”

Uruha managed to speak. “Does your mother know about this?”

“Duh,” the girl scoffed and Aoi laughed. Ruki chuckled, moving to the mini fridge for a drink. “Aoi-nii-san, do you have a girlfriend?” Maki inquired.

“I have a boyfriend,” Aoi replied easily.

“Like Uncle Kouyou?”

“Mhmm.”

“Does Uncle Kouyou know him?”

“He works here.”

“Ooh.” Ruki moved back toward them. “Ruki-nii-san, do you like someone?” Maki asked eagerly.

“Yes,” Ruki replied without thinking, immediately covering his mouth when he realized what he had said.

Uruha and Aoi looked up at him in simultaneous shock. “You… Are you sure?” they ventured, again in unison. The brunet looked away but nodded. Before they could ask anything more the vocalist gathered his things.

“I’m going home,” Ruki announced, slung on his bag, and hurried out the door. He paused, however, when he saw a blond coming toward him. “Kyo.”

The vocalist held up a bag of take-out with enough food for two. “Wanna go to the park?” he asked.

 

Kyo and Ruki watched the gurgling fountains in silence, empty food containers in their bag and out of the way. “Thank you for dinner,” the brunet said again. Kyo hummed in acknowledgement. “Are you going home for Obon this weekend?”

“Yeah. My siblings are going, too, so I can’t get out of it,” the elder replied. “What about you?”

Ruki scoffed. “Not a chance.” He was quiet for a minute. “But I am going to the beach… to light a lantern.”

The blond looked at him. He got the feeling the lantern wouldn’t be for any ancestor. “For who?”

“Just… an old friend.”

“They’re meant for relatives, you know.”

The brunet shrugged. “Yeah, but… it’s the Day of the _Dead_ , not Day of the Ancestors.”

Kyo scoffed. “That’s true.” More silence passed. “How are your bruises?” the blond asked.

Ruki gave a smile. “Fading,” he replied. “Some spots are more sensitive than others but I’ll be okay.”

“I’m glad.”

“And your voice? Is it recovering?”

“Yes. That tea really does help, so thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Ruki turned back to the fountain, smiling at the purple light. “When will you be back?”

The blond thought for a moment. “Sunday evening. I have tour planning early Monday morning.”

“When does that start?”

“September. Seven dates, almost one after the other.”

“It’s for Sukekiyo, right?”

“Mm.”

“In… Europe?”

“Right.”

“What are your bandmates going to do?”

Kyo shrugged. “What they normally do. What are your plans for the fall?”

Ruki sighed deeply. “I have no idea… but I’ll be here when you come back. We can do something fun to celebrate your tour,” the brunet smiled.

The elder smiled back. “I look forward to it.” Ruki leaned against him without a thought. “The first time we came here I burned my finger,” Kyo recalled.

The brunet nodded. “On your cigarette.”

“Right.”

“I remember… You were upset about running in to Mao.”

“That’s not what made me burn myself.”

“Then what did?” Ruki quirked.

Kyo looked down at him. “The way you looked in the fountains’ purple glow.”

Ruki’s heart skipped. He kept his voice as casual as he could. “Oh…”

“You’re a very affectionate person.”

The younger scoffed. “You mean I’m clingy.”

“No, because it’s not obnoxious. You’re open with the people you trust and you want to show your friends you care.”

“Mm. Friends are important.”

“So, since you’re so affectionate with me…”

“It means I think of you as a friend I can trust to be myself around. You should feel special.”

Kyo laughed. “Yes, sir.”

They sat in comfortable silence, watching the fountains. After a while Ruki looked at his phone. “Oh, shit, it’s late. I have work an hour earlier tomorrow,” he groaned and gathered his things. “Thanks again.”

“Sure,” the blond said as he stood. “Good night, Ruki.”

The brunet looked at him with a shy smile. “Good night, Kyo.”

Sunday night Ruki stood in the sand separating him from the ocean, a chochin lantern in hand. Red orbs of light covered the vast expanse of water ahead from lanterns that had been lit. The sound of the waves was soothing, the sand was cool beneath Ruki’s feet, and a soft breeze blew through his hair. Ruki looked at the lantern in his hands with a heavy sigh.

“I thought you’d be here about this time,” a voice said.

The brunet turned to the blond walking toward him with a bag in hand. “Hey… You’re back early,” he voiced in mild surprise. “Did something happen?”

Kyo shook his head. “Tour planning,” he reminded.

“Oh, yeah…”

“What are you waiting for?”

“Hmm?”

“The lantern.”

“Oh.” Ruki took a deep breath. “It feels heavy. It represents someone’s spirit, you know? And, since she had a tragic death, it had a deeper impact.”

The blond pulled a lantern out of the bag he had brought. “I know what you mean…”

Ruki looked at the lantern in surprise. “Who is it for?” he asked gently.

Kyo hesitated. “A fan, long ago. This is the first time I’ve done this… Will you help me?”

The younger man smiled softly. “Sure. You want to take you shoes off first.” The blond took off his shoes. “Do you have a lighter?” Kyo nodded and dug one out of his pocket. The two vocalists lit the small candles at the centers of each lantern. Then they walked into the cold ocean water. “Say a prayer… now place it carefully in the water.” Kyo and Ruki lowered the chochin lanterns in the water and let them go. The lanterns bobbed gently in the water as they drifted away. “She died of cancer… eight years ago. We were good friends. She liked playing the piano—and she was very good at it. They played her favorite piece at her funeral. I went… even though my parents were going to ignore me.”

The blond looked at him. “That was very brave of you. I’m sure she’s grateful to you.” Then he looked at the lantern he had lit and sighed heavily. “There’s… a reason I don’t read fan mail. I’ll open presents but ignore the letters that come with them. Years ago, when he had just become “big”, a fan wrote to me wanting to know how to end his life. I didn’t take it seriously…”

Ruki’s eyes widened in shock, then his brow creased in sadness. “He committed suicide?”

“Yes… This lantern is for him. I did write a song but… I don’t read fan mail because I never want to go through that again.”

The brunet reached out and squeezed a few of his fingers. “I’m so sorry, Kyo…” he nearly whispered.

“Thank you.” They watched the lanterns float away, the waves before them and the city behind making the only sounds. The bon odori would be near the end. “Do you want to get some coffee?” the blond vocalist questioned.

“Sure…” Kyo picked up his shoes and turned to leave. “Dear Kyo-san.”

The elder whirled around. “Ruki?”

“I know you’ll never read this…”

“What are you doing?”

“… So I’ll say it out loud. You have a truly unique gift. Your voice touched many people… and it had touched me. Your band will continue to influence the music world for centuries to come. There are many people who will always support you in your life, myself included. As for the fan who lost the fight… please don’t blame yourself. There are things in life we cannot change no matter how hard we try. But I believe you are changing lives—you and your bandmates—with your music. Thank you for sharing your voice with us. Thank you for being an inspiration. Most importantly… thank you for being my friend,” Ruki finished, turning his gaze to the blond. Kyo stood, speechless, not knowing how to respond. The brunet gathered his shoes and headed for paved road.

Kyo followed without a word. The vocalists walked in silence until the blond reached out to grasp a few of Ruki’s fingers. “Thank you…” he mumbled. The younger man smiled, giving Kyo’s hand a squeeze. “Do you think we could have another vocalists’ meeting before I go on tour?”

Ruki nodded. “I’m sure we can,” he promised. “When are you leaving?”

“The eleventh.”

“Oh. We can have several!” the brunet grinned. “I’ll talk to Shou.”

The blond smiled back. “Okay.”

The next weekend Kyo made his way to the PSC building after practice. Miyavi was back to filming and was unable to attend. Maya had been invited regardless. Everyone else who had attended the first meeting was going. Kaoru had looked surprised but proud at Kyo’s new friends. All he asked was that the blond let him know he was home safely.

Kyo neared The GazettE’s practice room and saw a familiar drummer. “Kai-san,” he called out.

The younger man turned to him with a smile. “Kyo-san. Are you looking for Ruki?” Kai asked politely.

“Or Shou-san,” the blond replied with a shrug.

“Oh. Well, Ruki is with Shou in Alice Nine’s practice room. Do you know where to go?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“No problem,” the drummer smiled.

The vocalist bowed and left. He was one hall away from Alice Nine’s practice room when he was stopped by traffic. Nearly every door in the hall had a ‘Recording in Session’ sign on the window. Three men came out of every room, heading in different directions, some of them bowing to Kyo as they passed. The vocalist realized they were guitarists and bassists. Reita and Aoi walked by him, the three men exchanging bows.

Kyo watched as the musicians passed. When Alice Nine came by he saw the way Uruha’s eyes caught the tallest man’s, their gazes locked until they were forced to look away, and noticed the unmistakable love in the guitarists’ eyes. It was pure, down to the core, uninhibited love. Oh, yeah, Kyo caught on to that real quick. Uruha saw his knowing look and blushed at having been found-out, smiling in a way that told Kyo he was in no way embarrassed or ashamed of his feelings. Kyo wondered if he would ever find someone who made _him_ smile like that

“Kyo-san?” a cheerful voice asked beside him.

“Ah… Takeru-san.”

“Ready to go?”

“Mm…”

Takeru cocked his head to the side. “What’s up?”

“Who’s the tallest member of Alice Nine?”

“Tora. He’s a guitarist. Why?”

“I know who he’s dating.”

 

Obon-Day of the Dead Key points:

-parades   -yukata  -chochin lanterns for souls of ancestors    -bon odori (folk dance)

Sukekiyo tour dates (Europe): Sept 13-21


	8. Chapter 8

Sukekiyo’s European tour was a little more than two weeks away. Kyo was spending half his time with DIR EN GREY and the other half with Sukekiyo. Merchandise had to be discussed, special goods had to be designed, products had to be made, and schedules for each concert night had to be planned. With DIR EN GREY, the focus was on their new album. Promotional interviews and other press events took time from tour planning and concerts in Japan. Then again, the concerts that took the most planning were the two held in America in November.

Die and Kyo sat in the practice room, tired from working, the guitarist doing very little with his hands. “Here,” Die said as he handed the blond a mug of coffee. “How’s tour planning?”

Kyo took the coffee. “Merchandise meetings suck,” he sighed.                                                                                          

The redhead laughed. “They’re giving you a hard time, huh?”

“There’s… a new representative for the shirt printers and he’s too bent on having things his way to only impress his boss. I’m sure he has good ideas but he doesn’t know how to suggest them without sounding like a pompous douche-bag,” the vocalist explained.

“Ah… New people are always a hassle. There’s an intern on Yakan who’s so nervous he keeps forgetting important camera features.”

“That’s easy, though. You just have to be patient and he’ll get used to the crew. This printer-rep needs a good kick in the pants.”

Die chuckled.  He looked up at the door as Shinya walked in. “Hey. Are you finished with work?”

The drummer shook his head. “I brought you an ice pack,” he explained. “Keep it under your fingers for a few minutes,” Shinya instructed, binging the ice pack to Die’s hand with gauze and a small towel. “There.”

The elder smiled affectionately up at him. Kyo recognized it instantly. “Thanks, babe,” Die said. Shinya smiled back despite his blush and ducked out of the room.

Kyo watched the drummer leave and glanced at Die, still smiling. The vocalist looked at the coffee in his hands. “Die…” he hesitated.

“Hmm?”

“How long does it take?”

“To fall purely, down to the core, uninhibitedly in love with someone,” the vocalist let out.

Die looked up in wide-eyed surprise. “How do you… You can recognize that?”

Kyo gave him a very pointed look. “Just because I’ve never felt it doesn’t mean I don’t know what it looks like. People who love like that… you can see it in the way they smile at the person they love.”

The guitarist hesitated. “Well, I... I don’t know,” he admitted after a while. “One day it just happens. Maybe you know right away, maybe you don’t. And, maybe, someone will see it in your smile before you realize it for yourself.”

The blond bit his lip. “How long did it take for you to love Shinya like that?”

At this, the elder smiled fondly. “I loved him before we got together.”

Kyo’s brow creased. “Can you give me a year?”

Die chuckled. “2005.”

“What?!” The elder laughed, nodding in affirmation. “But you… you’ve only been a couple since…”

“2008.”

“So you waited around in unrequited love for three years?”

“Not quite. It took a year and a half for him to love me back. But… it’s a small price to pay, I think, for six of the happiest years of my life.”

Kyo scoffed with a small roll of his eyes. “Romantic sap.”

The redhead shrugged it off. “Anyway, why do you ask?”

The vocalist looked back at his coffee. “I’m jealous…”

Die paused in getting his cup. “You… love someone?” he ventured.

“Not yet.”

“But you definitely like someone.”

Kyo nodded. “Definitely.”

“That’s great!”t he taller grinned. “It means you’re finally, completely over Mao.”

“I was over Mao months ago.”

“Okay, fine. Do they like you back?”

“I don’t think so.”

The guitarist’s excitement faded. “You’re probably not going to make the first move, either, are you?”

“Probably not.”

Die sighed in frustration.

 

Uruha saw the vocalist sitting by himself in the practice room. He glanced down the hall in both directions in case anyone was coming before taking hesitant steps inside. “Hey…”

Ruki looked up before turning back to his magazine. “Hey.”

“So… you like someone,” the guitarist forced out, hands in his jeans pockets.

“Yeah.”

The taller nodded in understanding. “Um… for how long?”

“About… a month and a half.”

“Are you okay with this?”

Ruki kept his attention on his magazine. “As long as I don’t fall in love I’m fine,” he announced calmly.

Uruha looked at him, unsure. “Okay. Let me know if… you want to talk about something.”

“Sure.”

“Okay.” The guitarist fidgeted awkwardly before turning on his heel to leave.

“Thanks.”

The elder looked back in surprise. Then he smiled. “You’re welcome,” he said and left.

Aoi caught him in another hall. “Did you talk to Ruki?”

“A little,” Uruha replied.

“And?”

“He’s okay so far. I don’t think it’s anything to worry about right now.”

“Good,” the other sighed in relief.

Uruha looked back toward where he had come from. “I’m worried, Aoi,” he admitted softly. “I wasn’t worried about Shizuru but I’m worried now. I don’t know how far Ruki is going to fall for this person.”

The raven-haired guitarist squeezed his shoulder. “Ruki is a grown man. He’s not going to let his emotions get the best of him. He’s happy.”

“I just… want him to stay that way,” the brunet nearly whispered. Aoi gave a soft smile in encouragement.

 

Kyo had two more weeks before leaving for tour. His weekdays were packed from early morning to late at night. By the time he got home at night he was too exhausted to socialize beyond responding once to messages he had received through the day. Ruki was just as busy with concerts and Black Moral items. It was a stressful week where sleep was much appreciated for both of them. Kyo was getting less sleep than usual because of his schedule and trouble getting up in the mornings. Ruki, wanting a relaxing break with comfortable company, decided to surprise Kyo after practice on Friday. He headed to the right studio with an air of excitement.

“Ruki-san,” Kaoru greeted in surprise when he saw the vocalist. “What can I do for you?”

“I came to see if Kyo wanted to get something to eat,” the vocalist replied cheerfully.

“He’s not here,” the taller said apologetically. “He left almost as soon as practice was over because he wasn’t feeling well.”

Ruki’s smile faded. “Oh.”

“Actually…” the guitarist began gravely, catching Ruki’s attention, “I’m a little worried. He hasn’t been feeling this down for… a year. He’s been pretty happy lately but today…” Kaoru sighed. “I don’t know; something seemed _of f_.”

The brunet felt dread sink in his stomach at the elder’s words. “I’ll go check on him,” he offered.

Kaoru dug into his pocket. “Here; it’s a spare to his apartment—just in case,” he said, handing the vocalist a key from a key ring.

“Thank you, Kaoru-san,” Ruki voiced and hurried down the hall. The taxi ride to the other man’s apartment seemed longer than usual. Ruki fidgeted the whole way, leg bouncing anxiously, biting at his thumbnail. He paid the driver and bolted to the elevator. Once it reached the right level he rushed to Kyo’s apartment door. Ruki jiggled the handle. The door was locked. He rang the doorbell and waited. No reply. The dread inside him grew. With trembling fingers the brunet pulled out the key Kaoru had given him and unlocked the door.

Adrenaline pumped through his veins as he entered the silent apartment. “Kyo?” Ruki called out. “Kyo?” he repeated more loudly. Still no reply. Ruki glanced toward the bathroom. The light was on. Without preamble the vocalist burst through the door. His eyes widened in fright.

Kyo sat on the floor against the cool, tiled wall, staring at his arm in intense thought. Things were strewn all over the floor. In his right hand was a razor, blade extended to full length.

“Don’t…”

The blond looked up at him.

Before Kyo could speak Ruki jumped in to action. “Don’t!” the brunet repeated, grabbing Kyo’s hand as he sunk to the floor before him.

The elder stared as Ruki wrestled the blade from his grasp. “Hey!”

“Please don’t hurt yourself,” the other pled. His eyes fell to Kyo’s arm. He could see faint white lines peeking out through the ink. Then he turned Kyo’s right arm over, brow creasing as he found similar white scars there. “Oh, my god…” _So many…_ “Why?” the brunet asked in a strained voice. “Why would you want to hurt yourself?”

 Kyo’s voice was even. “To distract from the pain.”

This time Ruki’s eyes shot up to look directly into his. “Do you honestly believe that works? Maybe it does at first but now you have all these scars to remind you of the pain! Why would you want that? Why would you want to remember?”

“I _don’t_ want to remember, that’s why I do it. If the scars heal so do I,” the blond argued.

“That’s bullshit,” Ruki scoffed. “And what happens when the pain comes back? Do you cut again? What if you finally cut deep enough to end your life?”

“Do you honestly think I’d go that far?” Kyo demanded.

“I don’t know.”

“Then why are you saying that?”

“Because I don’t want to lose you!” Ruki cried. Kyo’s eyes widened in shock. “You’re so important to so many people. What about your friends? Don’t you think it hurts them to see this? Don’t you think it pains them to see you were in so much distress, and instead of asking them for help, you go to such lengths just to forget for a moment? How do you think they feel thinking there was nothing they could do for you instead? Please…” the brunet whispered, “please stop hurting yourself. Think of all the people you’re important to. You’re important to your family, your bandmates, your fans…” Tears welled in his imploring eyes. Ruki bent his head to Kyo’s wrists. “You’re important to _me_ ,” he choked out. “Please stop…”

Kyo felt warm tears fall on his arm. Ruki shook with sobs before him, clinging to Kyo’s wrists as if he were afraid to let go. The blond’s eyes widened when he felt Ruki’s lips on his skin. Ruki pressed his lips to every scar he saw, slowly and softly. The sting from the wounds was long gone. Instead, Kyo felt a bittersweet pang in his heart. It was as if Ruki was saying he was all right the way he was even with such terrible lines marring his skin. No one had ever told him that, and if someone had, Kyo had never noticed. Maybe it was because he had never felt so important—so loved—any of the other times.

“Okay.” Ruki’s head snapped up at his words. Kyo gave a small smile. “I won’t cut anymore.”

The brunet looked at him hopefully. “Promise?”

The elder hummed. Then he pulled Ruki forward, turned him around, and leaned him back against his chest. Ruki clung to his arms as he tried to stop crying. Kyo noticed a dark smudge on his wrist. “Ruki… are you bleeding?” he questioned.

“Huh?” The brunet held up his hands. Dark, crimson liquid ran down his right middle finger. “Oh… I must have cut it on the razor when I took it from you. That was stupid of me, huh?“

„No,” Kyo dismissed gently. He rummaged through a nearby drawer for supplies before prepping a cotton pad with rubbing alcohol. Ruki cringed as the alcohol met the cut on his finger. Kyo cleaned the blood and secured a band-aid over the cut. Then he pressed his lips to the covered wound. “And a kiss to make it better,” the blond announced casually. Ruki chuckled. “How’d you get in here, anyway?”

“Kaoru-san gave me his spare. I was going to surprise you and invite you out to dinner… something to help us relax. So much for that.”

Kyo hummed in agreement. “We could order in,” he suggested.

Ruki nodded. “Okay.”

“Can you…” The elder hesitated. “Will you spend the night?”

The brunet squeezed his hand. “Sure.” He sniffled and wiped at his eyes. “Shit… Got any cigarettes?”

The blond gave a small chuckle. “Yeah, in the living room. Come on,” he said and the two stood from the floor. “Your makeup is a mess, by the way,” Kyo pointed out.

The other rolled his eyes. “Charming.”

“Wash up. I’ll order dinner.” Ruki nodded. Kyo wiped a smudge of eyeliner from the brunet’s cheekbone before pressing a soft kiss to the spot. Ruki’s lashes fluttered at the touch. The elder pulled away with a soft smile. “Thank you.”

Ruki shook his head. “You don’t have to thank someone for caring about you,” he said.

“No… but it’s good to remind them you know they care,” Kyo shrugged and left the bathroom.

The brunet fixed his makeup and cleaned up the bathroom. Then he joined Kyo on the veranda for a smoke while they waited for dinner. Kyo also gave him water to relieve the after-cry soreness in his throat. When dinner was eaten they decided on going to bed early. At first they were on opposite sides of the bed. Slowly, however, Kyo moved closer to Ruki and wrapped his arms around his lower back with his head under the brunet’s chin. Ruki held him in return without question. “It’s funny,” he voiced in to the darkness.

“Hmm?”

“Usually you’re the one taking care of me. Do you feel better?”

Kyo hummed. “I feel important,” he breathed. That night he dreamed of Ruki and all the possibilities they could have together.


	9. Chapter 9

“You didn’t have to bring me to work,” Ruki told the blond on Monday morning. “I’m sure you have a longer commute than I do.”

Kyo shrugged. “It’s fine. Thanks to you I had the best sleep this weekend than I’ve had all week. This is the least I can do.”

“You also paid for dinner on Friday which I was supposed to do,” the brunet pointed out.

The elder chuckled. “You can make it up to me later. Have a good day.”

“Thanks, you, too,” Ruki returned and moved to leave. “Oh! You leave next week, don’t you?” he recalled.

“Mm.”

“Well, not everyone is available this weekend but I know Shou and Takeru are. Do you want to get together, just the four of us?”

Kyo thought for a moment. “Sure. Seven o’clock, Alice Nine’s room?”

“Yup.”

“See you then.”

“See you!” Ruki grinned and went inside. “Good morning~” he sing-sang as he entered the practice room.

Kai and Uruha looked at him in question. “Good morning,” the drummer replied. “I take it your weekend went well.”

The brunet shrugged. “For the most part. How was yours?”

“Nothing new.”

“Oh? Uru?”

Uruha watched him move about the room. “Spent it with Tora.”

Ruki gave him a smile. “Good for you.”

“Ne, Ruki-sempai!” a cheerful voice said from the doorway. Takeru grinned at him. “So you had a special escort to practice this morning, hmm?” he said with a wiggle of an eyebrow.

“Not a _special_ escort,” the elder contradicted.

“Oh, come on; you two look good together! Oh, I’m late! See you later,” the younger vocalist rambled and darted down the hall.

Ruki turned to his bandmates. “I uh… I’m going to get some coffee from the break room,” he announced awkwardly before leaving the room. Kai and Uruha looked at each other. Ruki ducked into the faculty break room. He placed a pot of coffee on to boil and turned on the television. Belle was dancing with the Beast, gazing lovingly into his eyes. The vocalist felt something rise in his chest. Ruki switched the channel. _Hercules_ , Megara singing _,’ I won’t say I’m in love’_. _Oh, no_. Click. _Cinderella_ , ‘ _So this is love…’_. _No, it’s not_. Click. _The Lion King_ , _‘Can you feel the love tonight…’_. Down the hall, Shou jumped from shock at the frustrated scream coming from the break room.

The brunet turned off the television. “Nope. Nope, nope, nope,” he repeated to himself. “I am not in love, not again. Those songs don’t mean anything. None of it means anything. I’m not falling for that again.” Ruki heard the coffee pot go off. He drew a determined breath and switched his thought process toward work.

Throughout the week Ruki did everything he could to keep his mind focused on work. Try as he might, however, he could not stop himself from thinking about Kyo. He wondered what the blond was doing as he listened to recordings. His bandmate caught him spacing off often. He would remember something and smile, instantly reprimanding himself when he realized what he was doing.

The vocalist avoided love songs but still managed to get them stuck in his head. Takeru’s words ran through his mind: _You two look good together_. It would make him blush and smile in spite of himself. It was getting harder and harder not to think about Kyo every day. Ruki said nothing about it to his bandmates. He blamed it all on a lack of sleep; whatever it took to suppress and deny his feelings.

When practice neared an end on Friday Ruki debated whether or not going out was a good idea after all. Once he arrived at the meeting room next to Alice Nine’s practice room, though, all doubts disappeared as his mind filled with Kyo. The blond glanced up and smiled. “Hey,” the brunet greeted with a broad smile of his own.

“Hey,” Kyo returned.

Ruki joined him against the wall, finding no seats in the room. “Have you been here long?”

“Nah.”

“How was your week?”

“Not as bad as last week. It was busy for sure, but that’s to be expected.”

“Are you all packed for the tour?”

Kyo shook his head. “I don’t pack until the night before.”

“Eh? Do you ever forget anything when you pack that late?” the younger asked incredulously.

The blond chuckled at his expression. “No. I travel light.”

“Define light.”

“One big suitcase.”

Ruki gaped. “No way!” Kyo nodded. “I could never pull that off.” The two laughed. It was as if none of last week’s drama had ever happened. The atmosphere was warm and light.

Kyo squirmed uncomfortably. “I have an itch,” he voiced.

“Where?”

“Around here,” the blond said, pointing to the space roughly above his tiger tattoo. Ruki moved to scratch at the spot at the best angle possible. He moved his hand up, scratching as he went, trying to relieve the itch. His fingers brushed along the elder’s ribs. Kyo made a small noise of surprise and flinched. The brunet raised a brow in question. “That tickles,” Kyo admitted.

“Oh, really?” Ruki quirked with a mischievous grin. “Here?” he asked innocently, barely moving his fingers along the spot. Again, Kyo flinched. The brunet repeated the action and Kyo stifled his laughter.

“Stop it.”

“Or what?” Without warning Kyo’s fingers moved across Ruki’s stomach. The brunet gasped and burst in to laughter. “No, stop! Stop, I’m really ticklish!” he protested. Kyo continued his attack, sending Ruki to the floor in a fit of giggles. The brunet tried to stop him but it only served to get him tickled more. In a desperate attempt he tickled Kyo back. “Kyo, I can’t breathe!” Ruki screamed through his laughter, finally managing to stop Kyo’s hands, pull him down, roll, and pin the laughing blond to the floor. The vocalists laughed, Ruki more out of breath than Kyo. They looked in each other’s eyes. Suddenly Ruki felt like he was on a new high, one so intense it made his heart beat in a new pattern. “That was unfair,” the brunet managed.

 Kyo chuckled. “I told you to stop.”

Tora walked through the doorway and froze at the scene. “Oh, I’m sorry, I… Um, Shou wanted me to tell you he’d be ready in fifteen minutes but uh… maybe I should tell him to wait,” the guitarist voiced awkwardly, covered his eyes, and left the room. Kyo and Ruki stared after him for a moment before bursting in to more laughter.

As they stood from the floor Ruki knew his heart was changing. He could feel the wall he had built growing weaker. He felt excitement and joy, nervousness and a constant flutter. A deep emotion was growing inside him. And, as he looked at Kyo’s smiling face, Ruki knew Kyo was part of it.

Byou paused in the hall when he saw the two vocalists. His brow creased in thought and his head cocked to the side. He had never seen Ruki smile the way he was now. Byou also saw the same smile on Kyo. He wondered what it all meant. “Hmm,” the vocalist mused, glanced at them one more time, and continued on his way.

 

The weekend passed quickly. The GazettE members were grateful they had had the chance to relax once they saw their schedules for the rest of September. Ruki could tell by Aoi’s scowl and Uruha’s pout that any plans they had hoped to make had been instantly cancelled. Thursday morning when he went to work the vocalist ran in to a blond he had not expected to see. “Kyo! What are you doing here? Aren’t you leaving today?”

“Your studio is the shortest distance from the airport. We were all told to meet here,” the elder explained.

“You look so tired,” Ruki sympathized.

“I hate traveling,” the blond grumbled.

“It won’t be so bad,” the younger assured with a smile.

“Well, it’s nothing new, either… Are we still going to do something fun when I get back?”

Ruki gave an apologetic grimace. “Oh… See, our new schedule has me completely booked all month. I won’t have any free days until October,” he explained, even pulling out his schedule for the other to see.

Kyo looked at it in surprise. “Yikes…”

“No shit,” the brunet sighed dejectedly.

“That’s okay. We can still do something, right?”

“Of course!” Ruki grinned cheerfully. “You think of something and let me know.”

“Okay.”

“Okay… Well, good luck. Do your best,” the younger man wished and turned to leave.

Kyo hesitated. “Ruki?”

The brunet whirled around. “Hmm?” Kyo took him by the hand and pulled him forward into his arms. “Oh.”

“I’m glad I was able to see you,” Kyo voiced.

Ruki’s heart skipped. He wrapped his arms around Kyo with an affectionate squeeze. A large warmth surged through him. “Me, too,” he smiled.

Mao and Byou stared at the two from their hiding place. The shorter vocalist gawked. “I don’t believe it.”

The other turned to him. “What? What’s going on?” he inquired.

“God, Byou, you’re so dense,” Mao sighed. “I’ll tell you later when I know for sure.”

“Know what?”

The younger man kissed his cheek. “Later,” he promised and headed down the hall.

“Mao? Tell me!” Byou urged, hurrying after him. “Am I really dense?” he quirked. Mao chuckled.

Throughout the rest of the week Mao and Uruha kept close tabs on Ruki. Uruha noticed how often the vocalist came to practice in a good mood. He caught the other humming to himself, smiling at odd moments, and daydreaming with a wistful gleam in his eyes. The guitarist caught Ruki watching updated about Sukekiyo’s tour on his computer when Ruki thought no one else was looking. Uruha caught him reading old interviews, looking through pictures he had taken, and flipping through several magazines with Kyo in them.

During the middle of the next week Ruki’s attitude changed. He was not dour but he was no longer as cheerful as he had been. He barely smiled unless it was something his bandmates said. The vocalist didn’t pick up any more magazines and left the television alone. His conversation to the others was mostly about work. Mao did not notice this change like Uruha did.  However, he did notice the look in Ruki’s eyes when he listened to Shou and Takeru reminisce about their vocalist meetings.

Friday, when Mao was visiting, he came across Uruha and Tora talking in the hall. “What’s up?” Tora asked cheerfully.

Uruha sighed and leaned against him. “It’s Ruki. Last week he was so cheerful but this week… something changed. Kai thinks it’s something to do with his parents.”

“And you don’t?”

The shorter guitarist shook his head. “No, because he’s more irritable when his parents give him grief. He’s just quiet and keeps to himself. Except…”

Tora raised a brow. “Except?” he urged.

“Except for this look in his eyes when he thinks about something specific. It’s sort of a glow but it disappears as soon as he stops thinking about it. I wish I knew what was going on.”

“Ruki-sempai is in love,” Mao piped up as he neared the two guitarists.

Uruha blinked. “What?”

“He’s in love,” the vocalist repeated.

“How do you know?” Tora quirked.

“Because I’ve seen the look Uruha-sempai was talking about.”

“Are you sure?” Uruha pressed.

Mao chuckled. “Oh, yeah.”

Uruha’s face lit up in excitement. He beamed up at Tora before running down the hall. The brunet’s excitement hit peak as he neared the practice room. He was beyond ecstatic at the idea of Ruki being in love with someone again. It had been so long. The guitarist found the vocalist alone, sitting on the practice room couch looking at his computer, and bounced into the room. Uruha slammed his hands on the coffee table (which, considering the height of the table, put him in a rather provocative pose), causing the vocalist to look up at his excited grin in question. “You’re in love,” the guitarist declared.

There was a pause. Ruki’s eyes widened in shock, then turned to fear. “No,” the brunet seethed.

The taller blinked rapidly in shock. “What?”  
Ruki raised his shaking hands to his face. He scratched at the pain in his throat, trying to get the air back in his lungs. Pain creased his brow. His eyes moved everywhere but in Uruha’s direction. “I’m not,” he struggled out. “No. No, I’m not. I’m not, I’m not, I won’t…!” He clapped his hands to his ears and shook his head in rebuttal.

“Ruki, what’s wrong?” Uruha asked apprehensively.

The vocalist shot up from the couch, causing the other to step back, and crossed the room. “I won’t be the one to love first!” he proclaimed. “I won’t be the one who doesn’t get loved back. I can’t do it again!” Ruki sobbed, voice breaking with despair. Then he sunk to his knees, unable to stop the tears from spilling.

Uruha stood rooted where he was as realization hit. Ruki was afraid to love. He had fallen once and been crushed as a result. It had taken years for him to pick up the pieces and even try a real relationship afterward. But now he was in love again and he was afraid. He was afraid of getting hurt, but mainly of not being able to heal himself this time. Uruha understood all too well. It was the exact way he had felt when he was falling for Tora.

The guitarist knelt by the vocalist’s sobbing, shaking form. He wrapped his arms around the brunet tightly without a word, tears stinging his own eyes, wishing there was more he could do to help. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.” Ruki shook his head to let him know it wasn’t his fault. Uruha looked toward the door at the sound of footsteps.

Kai stared at them in concern. “What’s wrong?”

The guitarist shook his head, telling Kai he couldn’t say. “I think I should take him home.” Kai gave a heavy sigh and nodded.

 

Uruha watched the vocalist with apprehension. He had taken Ruki back to the younger man’s apartment, the vocalist crying the whole way. He had calmed down for the most part. Violent sobs had lessened to quiet sniffles and tears. The guitarist walked over to him. “Here,” he said softly, holding out a large glass of ice water. “This will help your throat.”

Ruki took the drink without a word and drank nearly half of it. Uruha was afraid he would drop it because of how badly he was shaking. The vocalist looked up red-eyed. “How did you know?” he rasped.

The taller hesitated. “Mao-kun told me.”

The brunet burst in to tears again, hiding his face in his hands. “Damn, what a cruel irony…!” he cried.

Uruha bit his lip. “Because Mao-kun used to date Kyo-san and you’re in love with Kyo-san?”

The younger looked back up. “Did Mao tell you that, too?”

“No, I figured that out on my own. I-I mean, I knew they used to date years ago but…” Ruki nodded in understanding. “I know how you feel, you know… to some extent. My breakup before Tora wasn’t as devastating as yours but I had many failed relationships before him so I was scared of starting a new one. I was starting to think I wasn’t meant to be with anyone because no one had worked out. I told Tora everything—drunk off my ass—and a few weeks later he confessed. Well,” he chuckled fondly, “what he really said was “Why don’t _we_ give it a try? If we grow feelings for each other—great. If we don’t—nothing lost.” So we dated and I fell in love.”

“So you didn’t even like each other when you started dating?”

“Not like that, no. But we grew to, eventually, and it’s worked out so far. It’s a little difficult to start thinking of your friend that way—and even longer to think about sex with them.”

“How long did you wait for that?”

“Mm… About two months. The point is I was scared, too, but I found someone who wanted me anyway. Does Kyo-san like you?” the guitarist asked.

Ruki looked at the glass in his hands. “I don’t know… I’m scared that he doesn’t. He wouldn’t want me anyway. I’m damaged.”

The elder sat in the armchair beside the couch. “Damaged? Because you’re scared of falling too far?” he asked incredulously. “Is that what you think?”

The vocalist took a quivering breath. “No one wants to date someone who can’t commit to a serious relationship.” He gave a bitter laugh. ““I wish I could be someone people want… someone whole… but I’m broken. All I feel is this cruel wanting for something I fear I’ll never have.”

“God, Ru…” Uruha breathed, his voice thick with sadness, “don’t say that.”

“Maybe we’ll both find someone who can make us happy. Maybe, one day, we won’t feel this pain anymore,” the brunet said with a small, sad smile.

“But why can’t you make each other happy?” the guitarist inquired desperately. “Why can’t you take a chance with each other?”

“Because… I’m too afraid of breaking.”

Uruha’s brow creased as more tears spilled down his friend’s face. He gave a heavy sigh. “So what are you going to do? You can’t ignore him; he’ll know something’s wrong.”

Ruki shook his head and wiped at his eyes. “No,” he sniffled, “and I don’t want to. I like being with him. I just need time to get myself under control so I can hide my feelings.”

The guitarist looked at him. “Hide them from him or yourself?”

The shorter man swirled the glass in his hands. “I’ve already accepted the fact that I can’t deny what’s in my heart… but that doesn’t mean everyone else has to know,” he said evenly.

Uruha nodded in acceptance. “You’re probably exhausted from crying. Is there anything you want to eat before bed?” he asked gently.

The vocalist thought for a moment. “I was going to have yakitori,” he remembered. “There’s enough for two.”

“I’ll make it,” the elder promised with a soft smile. “Go take a bath; that always calms you down.”

“You don’t have to stay.”

“I’m going to,” Uruha said defiantly. Ruki gave a small, happier smile; he already knew Uruha would stay. “Go take a bath,” the elder repeated. The vocalist nodded and went.

Ruki took a long, hot bath. He did his best not to cry more and changed in to his nightclothes after drying his hair. Dinner was spent in silence aside from distracting small talk. Ruki was surprised at the decent amount of food he ate. Uruha insisted on doing the dishes and sent the brunet to bed. The vocalist brushed his teeth, avoiding the mirror, and crawled under his covers. Ruki settled against the pillows with a heavy sigh. His bed felt empty, like he did, and he knew it was because he was missing Kyo to keep him warm. Tears rolled down his cheeks. “I love him…” he voiced to the darkness. “What should I do? I’m so afraid…”

A gentle knock came at his door. “Hey…” Uruha said as he let himself in. “Do you want some company?” he asked gently.

The vocalist looked at him. He sniffled and nodded. “Yeah…” So Uruha joined him in bed, propping himself comfortably on several pillows and pulling the brunet under his chin. He wrapped an arm around the younger man’s shoulders, another hand on Ruki’s head. “What about Tora?” the vocalist voiced against Uruha’s chest.

“He doesn’t need me tonight; you do.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I asked him not to say anything and told him I’d talk later. He was there when Mao-kun told me so I have to explain. Don’t worry; I won’t tell him anything specific,” the elder assured.

“Thank you...” The guitarist gave him a gentle squeeze.

 The next week was tense. Kai wondered what had happened and poor Uruha had to divulge as much as he could without specifics. Ruki’s focus was on work. to outsiders he simply seemed dedicated, but his bandmates saw the inner conflict he was going through beneath the surface. Conversation was minimal. Smiles were rare. The vocalist went home straight after practice as much as he could. Shou peeked in once or twice, sensing something was wrong, and let the other man know he was available if Ruki needed him. Beyond Shou, Tora, and his bandmates no one else knew something was bothering Ruki.

Ruki had nearly three weeks before he would run in to Kyo again. The elder was on tour until the 23rd and Ruki’s schedule had him booked until the second week of October. Hiding his emotions around everyone else was easy; it was hiding them from Kyo that would be the real test. He thought some simple change would help things so he thought of finding a new haircut.

Reita found him looking at photos. “Why not do something new to something old?” he suggested.

The brunet raised a brow. “Like what?”

“Well…” Reita took over on the computer and pulled up images of Ruki in his ‘Rock ‘n’ Roll’ shirt. “How about this length but more open bangs?”

The vocalist looked at it in thought. “What about color?”

“A light auburn like Pledge? And put your bangs to the right again. What do you think?” he said with an encouraging smile.

Ruki found a piece of paper and drew the hairstyle. “Like this?” Reita hummed. “Do you want to go with me?”

The bassist smiled. “Sure. I’ll tell Kai.”

“Okay,” Ruki agreed, managing a smile back.

September neared a close and Ruki’s mood was improving. He was spending more time with his friends, smiling more, and his bandmates didn’t feel the need to tiptoe around words. Some days were better than others, of course, and the vocalist still came in with red-rimmed eyes. On the day he was getting his hair cut the brunet walked into the practice room to find Aoi and Kazuki talking softly in a corner and Uruha minding his own business on the couch. Ruki was able to catch some of the hushed conversation.

“Maybe you can come over Saturday, after your interview, and spend the night,” Kazuki suggested with a smile to match.

“I have a photoshoot Sunday morning,” Aoi pointed out.

“I know… but if you come over around five I can have dinner ready by five-thirty, we can take a bath or shower, and then I can give you a _massage_ to help you relax for your photoshoot,” the younger man drawled, running his fingers from Aoi’s collarbone to his hip.

Aoi grinned and pulled him close for a kiss. “I love you.”

Kazuki smiled. “I know.”

Uruha feigned a scoff of disgust. “Find an empty conference room or something.”

The two guitarists laughed. “I’ll see you guys later,” the dirty blond said, casting one last smile at Aoi. “Excuse me, sempai,” he added politely to Ruki.

Uruha looked up at him. “Hey.”

“Finished already?” the other guitarist quirked.

“Do you realize it when he looks at you like that?” Ruki asked bluntly.

Aoi blinked. “Huh? Notice what?”

“The way he _smiles_ at you. Do _you_ see it with Tora?” the brunet asked the other guitarist. “Can you see the way they look at you with _so much love_? It’s… it’s pure. Uninhibited. Down to the very core of their beings. Do you see that in their eyes when they smile at you? Because I can. Do you realize you’re smiling at _them_ like that? I can see it—I can see all of it. And I envy you. I envy all of you. Do _any_ of you realize how _lucky_ you are to have someone love you that much?” Before the two guitarists could reply Ruki gathered his things and left. Aoi and Uruha looked at each other then sighed heavily.

Ruki was the last member to arrive at practice the next day. Everyone turned to see him standing awkwardly in the doorway, hair newly colored and cut, clutching at his handbag self-consciously. “Um… I’m sorry for what I said yesterday,” he told the two guitarists slowly. “I was just… envious, like I said, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I don’t want you to avoid your boyfriends… or stop being affectionate with each other because of me,” the auburn haired man said turning to Reita and Kai. “I’m happy you guys are happy and… I’m sure I’ll be back to my usual self soon.” The others looked at him in silent surprise. Ruki pulled something out of his bag. “I um… I have some new lyrics,” he announced.

His bandmates smiled. “Let’s hear them,” Uruha said cheerfully and Ruki knew he was forgiven.

 

Toshiya cornered Kaoru in the break room. “Something happened to Kyo on tour,” he said in a low voice.

The guitarist raised a brow. “Like what?”

“I don’t know! But don’t you think he’s been a lot more… _cheerful_ since he came back?”

“Well, yes, compared to how moody he was before he left.”

“No, I mean…” The bassist’s brow creased. “He’s been like this since _before_ he left. So something happened that weekend that changed his attitude.”

“I’m glad. He was starting to scare me,” the elder admitted.

“Would you listen to me?” the bassist hissed.

Kaoru sighed at his boyfriend’s attitude. “I’m listening, Totchi,” he said calmly and poured himself more coffee.

“Kyo is _happy_.”

“And what’s wrong with that?”

“I mean, happier than normal. I’ve never seen him like this. He seems anxious, nervous, and excited at the same time. He’s unfocused; he smiles at nothing—which is _completely_ unlike him.” Kaoru rolled his eyes. “He gets this weird glow in his eyes while he’s daydreaming and…” Toshiya stopped his rant abruptly. Kaoru waited for him to continue. The bassist snapped his fingers. “I think I know what happened,” he said. “Thanks, babe,” the man grinned, gave Kaoru a peck on the cheek, and rushed out of the break room.

“But…” Kaoru blinked after him. He sighed and put his coffee down before following the bassist. By the time he reached the practice room Toshiya was already moving toward the vocalist. Kyo stared at his computer screen min thought, ignoring his bandmates. Kaoru gave Toshiya a warning look.

The younger man rolled his eyes and continued his attack. He observed the blond with a scrutinizing gaze, arms crossed over his chest. “Kyo…” Toshiya voiced to get the vocalist’s attention. The blond hummed to show he was listening. “Are you in love?”

Kyo looked up at the bassist’s expectant face. “Yes.”

The others stared in surprise. Toshiya’s eyes lit up in excitement. “Have you told them?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because… he’s loved before and it didn’t end well. I’ve never been in love until now so I’m worried I won’t treat him t he right way. Why would he want to try loving again with someone like me?” he explained with a sigh.

A pained silence hung over the room. Toshiya looked to the others for one of them to speak. Then Shinya spoke up. “You’ll never know until you ask. You know, Mao was your opposite but… maybe you need someone who is just like you. He’s your first love, Kyo. Don’t let him get away without knowing how he feels.”

Kyo gave a grateful smile and nodded.


	10. Chapter 10

“Here are your schedules for October,” Sakai announced, holding out a piece of paper to each member. “It’s not as hectic as September was but there are a few things we need to discuss. Get your notepads ready,” he warned. Aoi pulled out a Reminded on his iPad, Ruki and Uruha found pens and set them to the papers in their hands, and Kai found his memo book. “Your promotion shoot for your new single is at noon on the 9th; I want you at the studio no later than 9:30. Your next photoshoot is on the 12th; be there at 8 am. Recording will run from the 15th to the 17th. I want you to get plenty of rest the next week because of the 24th.”

Kai’s brow creased in confusion. “The Carnival preparations?”

Their manager nodded. “Everyone involved in the Carnival is required to be there at 9 am _sharp_. You’ll be at the Ritz-Carlton all day with photoshoots, video comments, interview and the like. Lunch and dinner will be provided. It’s going to be crowded because other companies will be using the same location.”

Reita piped up. “How many?”

“At least five more. You may well run in to other musicians throughout the day. Bring and over-night bag just in case we get an unexpected storm,” Sakai replied.

“A storm in October?” Aoi questioned doubtfully.

“Better safe than sorry. That’s all. Everything else runs like normal. Make sure you dress for the weather.”

“Yes, sir,” the five musicians said in unison.

“I wonder what the other companies are using the Ritz-Carlton for,” Uruha mused when their manager left.

“Maybe things for the Halloween Party collaboration,” Kai suggested.

“Why does no one in PSC participate in that?”

“Because we’re not scary enough,” Ruki blurted and the others laughed. “Besides, we have the Carnival to worry about. I’ll see you guys on Monday,” the vocalist said, grabbing his handbag.

“See you,” the others called after him.

 

Thursday, the 23rd, Shou caught Ruki in the hall on his way back from the break room. “Ruki! I heard Hyde-san and Nishikawa-sempai are going to be at the Ritz-Carlton tomorrow. It’s been a while since we’ve seen them.”

“Yeah, it has,” Ruki agreed, smiling at the younger man’s enthusiasm.

“I know we won’t be able to spend any real time with them but do you think we’ll see them?”

“I’m sure we will. Hyde-san is going to stick out like a sore thumb in his vampire get-up.”

Shou giggled. “Oh! I heard DIR EN GREY is going to be there, too,” he added as an after-thought.

Ruki’s smile faltered. “What for?”

“Well, Shinya-san is in the Halloween Party and I think they have a photoshoot for their new album.”

“Oh.”

“Maybe we’ll run in to Kyo-san tomorrow, too.”

“Maybe…”

“I’m going home. See you tomorrow,” the taller vocalist grinned, waved, and continued down the hall.

“Yeah… tomorrow…” the auburn sighed. He walked back to the practice room in a daze. Uruha watched as the vocalist sank to the couch.

The guitarist raised a brow. “What’s up?”

The other man rubbed his temple. “DIR EN GREY is going to be at the Ritz tomorrow.”

Uruha’s face changed in understanding. “Oh…”

“I’ll be fine,” Ruki said with a resolute squaring of his shoulders. “There’s no guarantee we’ll even run in to each other. I’ll be fine,” he repeated. _I hope_.

When Ruki arrived at the Ritz-Carlton the next morning it was obvious he had not slept well. His hair stuck out in odd places and dark circles were under his eyes. The vocalist sat down at his makeup chair without a word to anyone. He had even come in without coffee. Luckily, Shou got a hold of Nao and the drummer brought Ruki coffee from Starbucks. Kai shook his head when he looked over to see the vocalist falling asleep in the process of having his makeup and hair done.

The day was filled with bright lights, camera flashes, and video recording. Everyone participating in the Carnival was lined up for group pictures by position and all together at the end of it all. Food was provided by the company. The entire hotel was bustling with camera and video crews, stylists, and makeup fumes. Uruha had a pleasant surprise when he ran in to Sakito from Nightmare. The two guitarists had to be separated by their bandleaders to ensure they would get back to work.

Shou did meet up with Hyde, easy to find because of his costume just as Ruki had said. The vocalist snuck in to greet Ruki and Takeru as well. Takanori Nishikawa came by before leaving for the day. So far Ruki had not seen anyone from DIR EN GREY or Sadie. He learned soon enough that Sadie was not at the hotel at all. It wasn’t that Ruki was angry with Mao—after all, he had done nothing wrong—but Mao knew and Mao might ask things Ruki did not want to discuss.

All PSC vocalists were gathered together by their managers. “We need to redo the group pictures. There was something wrong with one of our cameras so every angle was not captures,” Alice Nine’s manager informed. “If you need your makeup refreshed do so now. We’ll reshoot in half an hour.”

Sakai turned to Ruki. “Touch up your eyeliner and you should be good to go,” he instructed.

“Okay,” the auburn agreed and went back to his dressing room. He asked his makeup artist to touch up his eyeliner, grabbed his phone, and headed toward the nearest restroom. The vocalist was on his way back when he looked up and stopped in his tracks. A wave of emotions pulsed through him so quickly he forgot how to breathe. As soon as the other man saw him Ruki’s mind could focus on nothing else. “Kyo.”

The blond gave him a large smile. He noticed, briefly, that Ruki was thinner than when he had seen him before leaving on tour. “Ruki.”

“Welcome back.”

The elder made a small scoff of laughter. “I’ve been back for a month,” he pointed out.

“Right…” the other mumbled.

“You changed your hair,” the blond commented in pleasant surprise as they moved closer.

Ruki’s hand went self-consciously to the short hairs at the back of his neck. “Yeah… It’s for our new single. Your hair’s gotten longer,” he countered, reaching up to touch the elder’s thick, shaggy hair. “It’s nice.”

“Thank you,” Kyo smiled.

They stood in awkward silence for a few minutes. “Well, I… I’d better get back. There’s a group photoshoot that needs to be redone so…”

“Okay. Do your best.”

“You, too,” Ruki said with a smile. He ducked his head and moved around the blond to continue on his way. The auburn haired vocalist made it to his dressing room before sinking to the floor with a sigh. _I did it_. It took Ruki the last of his break to get his heart beating at a regular pace again. Now that he had managed the first meeting Ruki was confident he could handle everything else.

The rest of Carnival preparations went smoothly. The redo photoshoot was a success. Most of the crew was dismissed after dinner, which was spent in the lounge of the hotel. PSC members alone filled the entire room. While the musicians and main staff were packing up, however, things took an unexpected turn.

Kai opened his phone to a text alert. “Sakai-san wants us in the third ballroom,” he told his bandmates. The five men gathered their things and headed toward the ballroom. They ran in to a throng of other PSC members and musicians, none of whom knew what was going on. Everyone filed into the ballroom, arranged with rows of tables and chairs for a conference, and found a seat. Managers and staff lined the walls.

“Is everyone seated?” one manager called.

“Everyone, please be quiet so we can make sure everyone is accounted for!” called another in a booming voice. The crowd went silent as managers began calling out for their bands.

“How many people does this room seat?” Uruha whispered.

“One hundred-thirty,” Reita whispered back.

“There are about 100 people here,” Aoi added.

“One hundred-fifteen,” Kai corrected.

The man with the booming voice spoke again. “Due to a torrential rain storm we have been advised not to leave the hotel,” he announced. The musicians looked at their managers and each other with mixed emotions. “Luckily, we _are_ at a hotel and there _are_ available rooms. However, there are a limited number of rooms. We are assigning four people to every two-bed room, five to every room with a couch, and two to every one-bed room. Room keys are being passed out. Once you have your key card head to your room. Does everyone understand?”

“Yes, sir!” came a chorus of 115.

Once they got their key cards the musicians headed to their rooms as told. As soon as Uruha had his key he texted Tora. By the large grin on his face, Ruki guessed they had been assigned the same room. “What floor are you on?” the guitarist asked him.

Ruki looked at his key card. “Fifty-one.”

“Whoa, you got a suite?” they heard Toshiya say at the back of the room.

“I guess,” Kyo replied nonchalantly.

“What floor?”

“Fifty-one.” Ruki blanched.

“Lucky bastard,” Die huffed. “We’re all stuck together.”

“And don’t try to do anything because I will know and I will rip the covers off to expose you,” Shinya threatened.

Toshiya glared at him suspiciously. “What do you mean, you’ll know? You’ve never caught us at anything,” he defied.

The drummer raised a brow. “Two thousand-ten, Germany. You have a very distinctive sound that’s a mix between a moan and a purr.” Kyo and Die laughed as Toshiya and Kaoru flushed red with embarrassment.

“Anyway, we’ll be on floor 49 if you need us,” Kaoru told the vocalist with a clear of his throat.

“Okay,” Kyo replied.

“Which suite is it?”

“Millennia, room 515.”

“Nice,” Die whistled.

Uruha looked at Ruki. He grabbed the vocalist’s key card, eyes widening when he read it. “Tora and I can trade you. Or Sakito can; he’s sharing with us, too. You could share with Manabu instead. Maybe Hyde-san?” he suggested in a rush.

Ruki swallowed and shook his head. “I’ll be fine. It’s just one night. Besides, I already know I can control myself.”

The guitarist bit at his lip. “Are you sure? You have to share a bed,” he pointed out.

“We’ve done it before,” the auburn shrugged. Uruha blinked. “Oh, don’t look at me like that, just give me the key,” Ruki scoffed. He took back the card and left the ballroom, duffle bag over his shoulder. “Tora’s waiting for you,” the vocalist called.

Uruha sighed. He caught Kaoru, Die, Shinya, and Toshiya’s attention. A devious smirk found its way to his lips. “I purr, too,” he announced in a silky voice before sauntering out of the room.

All he heard in reply was Toshiya screaming, “Shinya, I hate you!”

Kyo was already at the door when Ruki arrived. He looked at the younger man in question. “This is your room, too?” he asked. Ruki nodded. “Oh.” The auburn noticed a conflicted look settle on the elder’s face.

“I-I can switch with Sakito if you want. Uruha already said I could,” he said in an awkward rush.

The blond’s brow creased. “Sakito?” he repeated.

“From Nightmare. The guitarist.” Kyo said nothing. “He’s in Yomi-san’s band.”

“Who?”

“Um… He’s about our height, has a very deep voice, and um… works with Hitsugi-san?” the younger tried. Kyo looked at him like he had no idea who Ruki was talking about. “Never mind… I’m sure I can still share with Uruha. They can probably order an extra bed.”

Kyo shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. We’ve shared a bed before so it’s nothing new.” Ruki nodded in agreement but looked at him dubiously. _Then why do you look conflicted?_ “Ever stayed in a suite?” the elder quirked.

“No.”

“Me, neither. Let’s see what a Y   room is like, shall we?” Kyo said, put in his card, and opened the door.

Ruki followed, stopping where he stood when he saw the room. “Holy shit…” the vocalist voiced. Kyo turned to the younger man with an impressed raise of his brow. Ruki grinned, put down his bag, and headed for the bath. Kyo heard an awed shout of, “Oh, my god, it’s huge!”

The blond peeked in to see for himself. The space itself wasn’t anything major but the tub was, and that was what had Ruki staring in wonder. Kyo glanced at the rim of the tub. “Candles… bubble bath… monogrammed towels… and rose petals,” he voiced. “Romantic.”

The younger man stared at him wide-eyed. A heavy blush rose to his cheeks. “I need a bath,” he breathed.

Kyo raised a brow. “You smell fine.”

“It’s not for hygiene purposes.”

“Do you want me to join you?”

Ruki gawked. “No!” he nearly shrieked.

The elder chuckled at his reaction. “Okay,” he acquiesced and left. The auburn haired man felt his cheeks. They were very hot. Ruki was in the bath for over an hour. Kyo changed for bed, turning on the television for something to do. It wasn’t long before Kyo was ready for sleep. He knocked on the bathroom door. “Ruki? Can I come in and brush my teeth?”

“Sure,” he heard the younger man say through the door.

Kyo walked in and headed to the sink. He brushed his teeth in silence, eventually glancing over at the other vocalist. Ruki sat in the large tub with his knees pulled up, arms resting on top, body submerged mid-chest in bubbles. He kept his eyes on the view. There was something in his expression that bothered Kyo. He looked weary, scared, and uneasy. “Is something wrong?”

Ruki turned to look at him. Surprise replaced the look Kyo had seen earlier. Then he gave a soft smile. “I’m fine,” the auburn told him.

The elder didn’t believe him. “You look… nervous,” he hesitated.

Panic flashed in Ruki’s eyes. “It’s just the storm.”

“Okay,” Kyo conceded and left.

The auburn haired vocalist sighed. He finished his bath and dressed for bed. When he went back to the bedroom Kyo was already asleep. Ruki crawled in on the other side, leaving a large space between them. It took a while for Ruki to fall asleep, and when he did, it was a restless sleep filled with images from his past.

Ruki woke with a start. His heart was pounding and his body shook. The auburn whimpered at the memory of the nightmare he had just seen. He tensed, suddenly, when arms wrapped around him. “Shh…” Kyo soothed and pressed a kiss to his neck. The blond held him gently, calming him, pressing soft kisses to his neck and shoulder. “You have gotten thinner,” Ruki heard him mumble. Ruki’s heart beat at rapid pace but he was grateful. With Kyo beside him, Ruki was finally able to sleep.

 

The vocalists woke to their managers calling an hour before checkout. They had been told to have one roommate take their keys to their managers and wait in the rooms until someone came to get them. Kyo and Ruki dressed, packed their things, and cleaned up in silence. Coffee was delivered by room service. Ruki waited in the room while Kyo took their keys to his manager, leaving the door slightly ajar so he could get back in.

The auburn haired man sat on the bed with his knees up. He fidgeted with the sleeves of his sweatshirt and bit his lip in thought. _Maybe I should just ask him how he feels. Maybe it won’t be as bad as I think it will be. Or maybe I could suggest going out like Uruha and Tora did. No… I don’t want us to have sex if it doesn’t mean anything. How long can I keep up this charade?_ Ruki was so lost in his own world he didn’t notice Kyo come back until he was in the bedroom. He looked up, unaware of the look in his eyes betraying him.

Kyo walked over to the bed and settled himself on his knee in front of Ruki. The auburn watched in silence. Kyo brought his hands toward the younger man’s face but gripped the hood of Ruki’s sweatshirt instead. Ruki’s hands rest on the elder’s knees as the blond moved increasingly closer. The blond vocalist gazed at him steadily.

Ruki looked back in slight confusion. “Kyo?” he voiced before Kyo’s lips covered his with an ardent kiss. The force of it pushed him back slightly and his surprise caused him to hold to the elder’s shoulders. He felt Kyo make the kiss more firm, a hand slid from the blond’s shoulder, and his eyes nearly closed in pleasure. When Kyo began to pull away Ruki dug his fingers in the fabric at the blond’s shoulder. Without moving Kyo kissed him again in a way that made Ruki weak. Ruki responded with a soft moan.

A sudden knock came at the suite door, causing Ruki to jump and pull away with a gasp. Both vocalists looked toward the door. “Ruki?” Uruha called. “Ru, come on, it’s time to go. Aoi and Kazuki invited a few of us to breakfast. Do you want to come?” the guitarist continued.

“Coming,” Ruki replied and stood from the bed in such a rush that his hood slid from his head. He had to leave. He had to get out before he lost control of his feelings.

But Kyo stopped him before he could get far. “Wait,” the elder said softly, pulling Ruki forward so the vocalist was forced to straddle his lap. Ruki stared at him in question. “I want to tell you something.” The brunet’s brow creased with fear. Kyo felt him trying to pull away and wrapped an arm around his waist to keep him there. “Listen to me,” the blond requested, pulling him close. “I love you,” he said and Ruki’s eyes widened. “I’ve been falling for you all this time. I think I realized it when you cried for me. I waited so long to tell you because I’m afraid to lose you if you don’t feel the same way. I’ve also realized the person who can make me happy is not my opposite, but someone just like me. I know you feel just as broken inside as I do… and I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

Uruha knocked on the door again. “Ruki?”

Slowly, Kyo brought his left hand to the brunet’ cheek, gently rubbing the skin there with his thumb. “I don’t expect you to love me… just, please, be with me.”

Ruki took a quivering breath as tears rolled down his face. He bit his lip to keep the tears under control, hands moving up to hold Kyo’s face. “I do…” he breathed, “I _do_ love you. More than anyone I ever have,” the brunet said in earnest.

Kyo’s grip tightened around his waist. “Then I will try my utmost to be worthy of you.”

The younger vocalist gave a small laugh, pressing his forehead to Kyo’s. “You _are_ worthy.” Kyo caught Ruki’s lips in a kiss so saccharine and tender it made Ruki’s heart swell. The brunet kissed back with surety.

Kyo kissed him again. “I love you, Ruki.”

Ruki smiled. He hadn’t been the one to love first. He wasn’t the only one to love. He hadn’t been hurt. And there, in Kyo’s smile, Ruki saw the thing he had been longing for all along: Pure, down to the core, uninhibited love.

“I love you.”

The blond gave a genuine smile. “Can you come over?”

The younger man nodded. “Tonight after dinner.”

“Deal.”

Ruki stood from Kyo’s lap, grabbed his bag, and opened the suite door. “Sorry,” he told the four guitarists waiting for him. Sakito, Manabu, Tora and Uruha looked at him in question. “I had to find something.”

Manabu shook his head. “No worries, sempai. Kazuki arranged things so we have time to linger,” he smiled.

“Are you ready?” Uruha asked.

“Yeah,” Ruki nodded.

Kyo walked past them, turning Ruki around to kiss him. “See you tonight,” he said with a wink and headed down the hall.

Ruki looked at Uruha. “Meet you in the lobby,” he grinned before running after Kyo.

Sakito turned to Tora. “I guess your plan worked,” he commented in amusement. Tora chuckled. “Come on, Mane,” the other urged. Manabu nodded and followed him.

Uruha looked up at Tora in confusion. “What plan?”

“I told the staff member handing out the key cards to make sure she put Kyo and Ruki in the same room. It was risky but, obviously, it worked,” the taller man explained with a shrug.

The brunet gave him a very serious look. “Holy shit, I love you. I hope you slept well last night because you just earned a weekend of sex.” Tora laughed.


End file.
